Omg this is crazy....
I can't do it. I have started talking with a couple kids, and that all it is, kids, immature insanity. My phone is being called nonstop, the im's, the text messages. What the fuck was i thinking. One is already saying he loves me. Are you fucking nuts. You dont even know me, you dumb shit. Trust me there is not a whole lot to love here anyways. Maybe in your immature little head the thought of dating a porn star has you head over heels, but there is alot of drama that anyone who is looking to date me needs to get squared away with me before the thought of even saying i love you pop's into your stupid little head.
And say i was stupid enough and desprate enough to fall into the whole i love you thing... if someone is that quick to say i love you, i'm sure they are just as quick to bail when things get rough. Exactly what i dont want or need. To be completely honest, i dont find these little kids even attractive, i just see another fag with soon to have more issues than me. Cute and fuckable sure. But what has attracted me as of lately, beside black guys, lol. Is a man. Someone that can hold onto me and finally make me feel secure. I'm tired of being that for someone else. Its time i find it for me. I'm sure at 33-40 yrs old you dont need your mom to hold your hand with everything you do in your like like a certain ex of mine. Who not even worth talking about anymore. But seriously, i'm not looking for an old geezer and do some anna nicole shit but anyone out of there 20's and has done the drama and is over it. I might be only, well 26 but i'm fucking over it also.
As for the whole Marc Jacobs drama,
This whole thing is stupid. Like both of us have said, we are just friends. The news just wants drama, come on, why do you think the article was released so perfectly a week before his fashion show here in New York. Drama. People keep asking me, why am i going to the show if there wasn't any secret love affair, Cuz we are just friends! I would have more than likley been going regardless of the article, and if i was still going out with Danny he would have been my date.
Ps. Stop asking me for discounts at the Marc Jacobs store. Jesus.
D&R
What is going on with Derek and Romaine? Why is everyone fighting with them?
Motherfuckers better know who they are fucking with!!! D&R.... i got your back!
Monday, February 4, 2008
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44 comments:
As crazy as it may sound...maybe you need to try to find someone to date who doesn't watch porn/know that you are a porn star.
Obviously you'd need to tell them at first...but...you've got to get out of the bubble you're in.
As someone who has suffered/continues to suffer with anxiety and depression...I can empathize with you.
Good luck and best wishes.
I agree with you on the twinks, they are not mature enough and they fall too easily. But like you say if they can fall in love that quick, chances are they will fall out of love just as quick. Luckily we all eventually mature up and find out what we want in life.
We are all in our journey to find that special man that can make us feel secure. Good luck. Hope we succeed.
You've hit upon one of the failings of the so called gay community... the lack of mentors. I hesitate to use the term 'role model' as in my mind, 'mentor' has a distinct difference from 'role model'.
The delayed adolescence that so many gay men go through because of growing up in the closet seems to leave very few elders in the community to lead and bring up the next generation.
When you have 30 somethings, 40 somethings and even 50 somethings spending every long weekend at a circuit party trying to live out their unspent youth... there's not much to aspire to.
I wished I'd had a mentor to help navigate the gay demi-monde when I came out. Books and movies and the internet are a poor substitute for elders of the tribe who can advise without complicating things with sex and predation.
Kudos to you Erik for coming to the realization that you want more in a relationship than some young thing with the looks and sex drive to keep you distracted.
Finding someone who can be independent and simultaneously able to form a coupled unit is a tricky thing. There is usually some imbalance in who leans on who: financially, emotionally.
The ideal being that each half takes turns needing and providing support. And there's no law that says those two things can't be concurrent.
Next thing is figuring out where to find such a rarity.
With the time on your hands, have you considered volunteering? That's often a good place to find more mature, grounded folks. And at least it keeps you out of trouble.
I agree with most of the other posters. I'm really young myself, but I find that people will say "I love you" or other phrases to easily. They don't understand that to really love someone you have to know them very well, just overall have a bond that connects both ways. I would never use that word so easily because I've been through hardships in other relationships. I did "fall" for someone pretty easily a couple of years back & it didn't work out.
It's important to really understand someone & their feelings, what they're all about, before "commiting" yourself in such a way. Well I wish you the best of luck in what you're trying to find. Hopefully the man you find someday will care for you as much as you want to care for somebody.
Dude,
You have got to see a therapist, if you haven't already. I was in that point in life a few years ago. I am serious, you cannot deal with this by yourself. It doesn't work that way and only a professional can help you. Maybe you need to get out of the industry and do something else that make you happy.
what about a discount at Louis Vuitton?
ERIK !!!
TWINKS!! what were you thinking. Sure you can enjoy them for sex - but twinks should only be enjoyed like popcorn shrimp - as an appetizer. You gave a twink your real phone #?!
Please consider this a smack on the hand from your blog readers.
I think I've told you before - gays/guys in NYC, LA, SF are not for you. Why not try South Carolina gay guys or Iowa or Chicago. Less affected.
Places where they are less likely to have "attach ears here" tattoo'd on the inside of their knees.
[shaking head now]
Jim
San Francisco
Okay... Since I was one of the people who encouraged you not to pass up younger guys I am going to go out back and shoot myself in the head now. seriously dude, sorry you got burnedd. Man, I am embarassed and sorry too.
Marc Jacobs' body looks hot in this pic:
http://www.thesword.com/2008/02/marc-jacobs-and-erik-rhodes-wrestle-for-bottom.html#more
Erik,
Is Marc Jacobs really a bottom like The Sword alleges?
How would they know?
Stop giving out your phone number until you've traded emails with a guy for a month. If he lasts that long in a controlled conversation, doesn't overstep or act out, then he's deserving of your number. Otherwise, boys are all up in your space, whether you're a porn star or not. People don't know how to behave like sane adults anymore. The instantaneous nature of the internet, with all the photos, videos and profiles cause people to assume connections/relationships that have to in actuality be built.
I have to agree with every one I was at one time in my life what you would call a Twink But thank god I grew up.Now that I know a few Twinks I say was I mad I don't think I was that bad but I would be Wrong, I was! You just ned to find someone that is going to love you for you no mater what happens in life. I have never seen one of your movies but you sound like someone who trying to find him self and I wish you luck in that and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding that guy that will love you and take care of you
Ohh I don't need a discount on clothes, but can I be your date to the show so I can possibly steal some shit?
jack your a bitch!
It sounds to me, Erik, like you're finding who/what you really do want in a man. That's good. Anyone who is willing to say "I love you" so quickly neither loves you nor respects you. And I'm glad you haven't fallen for that line of complete bullshit. You're doing well, it seems, when it comes to realizing where you're going with life. Keep it up. There are some of your fans who are very impressed with you.
Wtf is going on with D&R??
Hey man,
Don't worry... People seem to think sex is everything and as shallow as they can be igual love to sex: if tha guy makes them hory, they're in love...
The good news is you know you want more than a dick or a ass! And you're mature enough to know the difference between be horny and be in love!!!!! Just keep looking... It sucks I know! But you'll be surprised by some great guy one day soon!
Good luck!!!
Best wishes always
Ok, time to change your phone number!
ok erik (though if i knew it, i'd address you by your real first name), i gotta admit...(as queer as this will sound) i've only been reading your blogs for a few days now, but i find myself checking them daily like i do perezhilton.com and dlisted.com. ha! but on a more serious note, i have NEVER read a blog or even heard anyone else who was gay hit so close to home with the same issues that you discuss on your blog. i can sympathize with you hardcore on a lot of things. For example, I'm thinking about dating older because i can't seem to find ANY fucking quality dudes that are my age (23..gonna be 24 on thurs) and who have their shit together. and the ones i do find are exactly how you describe: they fall HARD. i'm the type of dude that doesn't open up easily, that you need to get to know, and that plays hard to get on purpose. I am into that donnie darko type, the loner. the quiet guy. the one who makes me wanna know more. it's these types of men who got game. most young guys haven't yet perfected the art of the "game" quite like i have, but it's fucking fun once you learn how to play it. but anyway, i'm rambling. also, i noticed you're into NIN and marilyn manson, i was just wondering are you into tool? cause they're fucking awesome, too. if you actually read this and don't peg me as that typical twink who wants to get to know you because you're some porn star, you should e-mail me at ejustin1@umbc.edu or message me at myspace.com/jesnevsn. keep it real and i wish the best for ya homey.
late,
justin
Keep it cool. I don't think you should rush yourself in finding that perfect partner for yourself. In time i think you will find that special someone :P
Have you told these kids to stop? Sometimes obsessive people will continue seeking the thrill of the hunt until they get the big tell-off, and only then do they think to reassess the situation.
I agree with Ken who said to not give out your number! Especially when you are drunk and online, because now I get stupid automated "Good morning :-) !" messages every. damn. day.
Erik
Unfortunately you are going to attract "kids" who are interested in Erik Rhodes the porn star,not the real person inside.Funny you mentioned the attraction to black guys.Lately I have one who is attracted to an average JOE like ME! We are talking but need to meet to see if this relationship can work.People are gonna talk about you showing up for Marc Jacob's fashion show.Let them,you know the truth and thats all that counts.
I love the D&R drama, Erik. I can't help but keep laughing to death when Jason Sechrest was on the phone last Wednesday. Are you going to be part of their surprise segment at GayVN?
Someone mentioned about the therapist. Howard Stern two weeks ago said on the show "Therapy makes you a better person". If you think you're still having problem, go see one. But I think you're doing yourself a therapy by writing these stuff.
Even if you give me Marc Jacobs discount I still can't afford it. I opt for cheap H&M.
Perhaps it is time to get a new Phone #. Also, you seem better today, somehow that comes through your writing.
Relax, and remember, you are in control even though you may not believe it.
You know I’ve had the same shit with guys saying they love ya in like a weeks time, jeeze these people have some messed up ideas on what love is and I agree when looking for a guy we don’t want drama and shit that comes with some of them. Yea like you say some are hot and well fuckable…lol…but what does any of that help if they can’t connect with us emotionally and relate to what we need as well. To me the idea situation is that two men together should in fact give both of each other the same equal needs as the other needs, both should provide a secure refuge for the other, both should give the love that is emulated by the other.
O and btw, how fucked can a person be to actually ask you for discounts, what is up with people today.
Erik,
"You're", not "your".
"You're" is the contraction between "you" and "are" to indicate condition.
"Your" is possessive and indicates possession.
So let's try this with YOUR comment:
"Jack, you're a bitch"
See? Doesn't that make more sense?
Yes. It does.
You need to find someone more mature who can look beyond the persona you've created and give you the moral support you need. Unfortunately the gay world thrives on superficiality--and twinks--especially the new generation of fashionistas with their faux hawks and faux sincerity wallow in a very shallow pool. Find a hot muscle daddy in his 40's who will listen--really listen to you and make you his priority. Don't despair--he's out there.
hey james, its the guy you wrote the blog about! okay, im assuming this blog is about me. yes, i did call you WAY too manuy messages and called you alot because i do like you alot and you claim to like me alot but you never called or messaged me back. i dont deal well with being ignored. and just to set the record straight, i never watched porn in my life, never ever ever even seen him naked so yeahhhhh. i wish you would just tell me you weren't into me because i am very very very confused what is going on between us right now. im still in your top friends and you approve my comments and read my messages but your just ignoring. i mean, how could you be so insensitive to just ignore somebody like that? try to get in touch
oh, and i never said i loved you james.
Thank thomas, i made a stupid mistake when trying to make a quick joke. Your much smarter than me...LOL
Erik/Jimmy,
It's totally fine. Years of tweaking, juicing, and near misses with alcohol poisoning will do that to your brain. Also, you're from Long Island.
You should become a priest or something. Keep us guessing. Fix cars! You have the face/brain for that. Also, again, you're from Long Island and sound like a total douchebag so you'll fit right in. Wait, though. You're a bottom. Can we fix cars?
umm... "d" you sound cuckoo!
do you use this blog to just vent, or are you actually looking for input?
Erik--I hope to God you're not paying too much attention to the Thomases and D's of this world. First off this isn't a grammar site--so Thomas should go elsewhere if he wishes to coorect you. Also his comments regarding
your face and brain and being from Long Island. I'd like to see what HIS mug looks like. AS for his brain--- I'm sure his IQ is the same as room temperature. Ignore him and all those other bitter queens who sit on their judgement thrones. As for D--get over it kid--who the heck are you not to be ignored...do you really think you arethat special? Get used to it. You sound needy. Stop with the texting, Mary-Kate. Get over it and grow up. Erik, stay strong and stay away from the naysayers. They'll drag you down into their own hell.
Are you playing Rugby anytime soon? :)
Erik,
You can take this and use it or ignore it. However, I do hope that you use this little suggestion to your advantage.
First, I think that you need to get away from NYC for a little while. You need to find a place where people doesn't know who you are and doesn't have any faggots.
You need to do this by yourself and do not tell anyone. Leave your cell phone at home if you can and don't check email. Go to the mountain and get a lodge where there is not TV, clock, or internet. You need a calm and relaxing environment, so you can clarify your thoughts.
You need that epiphany moment where you realize your true self. Again, I think that you need a professional to help you get through this. I hope that Falcon provided you with some decent health insurance.
You are too young to be this depressed about life.
You need to take a trip to a third world country and see what life have to really offer those people. So you can have a sense of reality.
Seriously, you need to start looking at what positive things that exist in your life instead of the negative. I know it is easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere.
I know that you don't know me and I don't know you, but you need some tough love.
It sadden me to see anyone go through this because I know it is extremely hard to deal with this by yourself.
Go get help, Erik.
No matter how many blog you write, and not matter how many comments are left on here. You are not going to better because only you can make it better. A professional can help guide you in the right direction to find what you are looking for in life/man.
I really wish you the best and hope that you can get through this quickly.
I hope you can see this message before it is too late.
see and here you are always complaining that people just want you for your body and use you for your porn fame status.
The truth was they were always looking to get a marc jacobs discount
THOSE BASTARDS
LOL
now no fist fighting at the show, and make sure to say hi to sara jessica parker for me
by the way happy b-day big guy, hope you find that manly daddy that can give you a big hug
Well, Erik
no matter how young/old you are, you are fully entitled to be depressed and talk about it, and those who decide to give you shit about it should just move on and quit reading your blog.
I wish I could say the right word, or do the right thing that would make you feel better, because one thing is clear to me -- regardless of your baggage and of your mistakes, you're a really nice guy who's honestly trying to get out of a state of crisis. Even if we've never met, Erik, I'm pulling for you, and I wish you the very best.
And as a 40 year old man in NYC, let me tell you -- you're right when you say you should be looking at older guys, because in times of crisis it is much easier to speak with someone who's been around the block one, two or three times.
Peace, buddy...
your blog makes me feel sad
Crap. You sound so sad, and I wish I could make you feel better, but I'm just some guy on the internet that doesn't know you.
Please don't let yourself slip away, even if that means leaving the "public eye" of porn.
Someone that I know always asks me, "What are you doing for yourself this week?" I hope you'll find something that can help you feel better.
Anyway, I hope that you feel better. I'd offer you my email or something just in case you wanted to talk, but I think we both know that's pointless. Find someone in your life that you trust, and just tell them that you need to sit down and talk.
I haven't listened to D&R is a long time, I guess I have some catching up.
Erik.. honestly man, you need to meet someone who isnt apart of the entire scene .. who is willing to spend time with you and gets to know you underneith the good looks and the porn. i am recently out and i dont date because of all the things ive read on here and things ive seen out in the real world. i have a lot to offer... like you im built and attractive, but i am so much more. it just seems like the gay community is quick to see a person for superficial qualities rather than getting to know the long-lasting attributes. id like to get to know you, we seem to have a lot of the same feelings. i dont know you, but it seems like you have a lot to offer and its goin to take you meeting the right person/friend to help you see that. good luck man. ME: 26 yo ny, uiucfratjock@aol.com.
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