Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....
I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs.
Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda.
I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a long story short, by the time i got to the bar i was already sinking, and by the time i made it thru the club i was full on "G'ing Out". It was so bad that as i sat in the back of the club the trainwreck which i became drew a crowd of friends, ex's and strangers all looking to "help me". As i sat there with my head on the table, eyes rolling around with no control and drooling on myself, i even had complete strangers coming up to me saying "come with me, my place is right around the corner from here". No shocker there i guess. But as i got worse, the crowd of friend and ex's seemed like they were all fighting over me. It honestly seemed like there was no real concern about my well being as there was the thrill of having the oppertunity to have a wrecked porn star in their apartment and at their mercy. I think the ex's were having a "who has the bigger dick" fight and the friends were looking for something to prove in front of the crowd, like "look at me, i'm saving him". In reality they should have just let me bottom the fuck out. Nothing like being in that situation and have no one care, it kinda lets you rethink your steps. Well at the same time, i'm not sure if they cared as much as they just saw an oppertunity. Anyways, i just got more sick as the crowd seemed to fight each other and somehow stumbled out the club and threw up like any good ol' drunk. Obviously, playing housewife so long i dont know my pussy ass tolerance. My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived.... I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night but trust me it has me rethinking alot of things. It has only fed my insecuritys and hatred for gay men. I woke up this morning asking myself, "why would someone do that to me...". The reason, is cuz all am to these people, friends and ex's is an object. Nothing more.
I woke up more depressed then ever and not because of the G. That was my fault. It was everything else. Then on top of that it was my first time see my most current ex since i moved out. I could even make eye contact. I just walked by like i didnt see him as much as he knew i did. I just wanted to break down as i walked away, cuz all i can think is "look what the fuck i'm becoming, look at the mess i'm turning into", as much as things didnt work bewteen us, at least i was grounded. Now, i'm just floating away and i cant even stop myself. I have no reason to. I just dont care anymore.
"Life is good, Life is fucking great"... i think that was the quote... well not for me.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
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89 comments:
Try to watch some episodes of that show 'Intervention'. I've provided a link to someone on Youtube who has recorded a lot of them. Whenever I start spirally down, I try to watch that show and it allows me to see myself and how stupid I can be (from another perspective).
http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=frshholygrailzEGO
Sorry, I just wanted to add that you have to kind of go about 5 or 6 pages into that person's list of videos before you start seeing the episodes of 'Intervention'.
Here is one of the most shocking:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q49tvlNmDvw
Some honest advice, Erik: Why don't you turn off comments? If anything, this post is gonna bring the trolls and douches out of the woodwork.
That said, you did some pretty dumb shit right there. Nice try, blaming some of it on your friends, but it doesn't work that way. You should get down on your knees and thank them for offering to help, right before you tell them that you won't be seeing them at the club for a few months and get your ass to rehab or something.
It's sad to watch, but I'm sure it's sadder to live. Get yourself some help before it's too late. Go to the ER and they'll hook you up.
And seriously, turn off comments.
Your out-of-control ego is staggering: that–in the midst of overdosing on GHB–you think everyone's fighting over you. Like it's some prize to get you home and fuck you? Dude, you're not that hot.
And you say you're depressed but it's not because of the G. Dude you're a fucking addict mess. That's not a bad thing. It's just a fact. There are many resources in this city to avail yourself of. Take advantage of them and of the strength of people who give a shit.
Stop being a pussy and grow up.
And for fuck's sake, stop whining over your D-list ex-reality "star" boyfriend.
Well the good news is that the end of the world is right around the corner anyway so,... if you drop dead tomorrow, you won't miss out on much.
Personally, I'm just killing time before the whole thing blows up.
I've been known to do drugs - lots of em, but I am 6 months clean and a month sober off booze. I used to run events where we would have people edging out and hole-ing (drug talk, not sex ;) so bad they pissed themselves, KO'd off barstools, etc. The only thing going was that they did it to themselves. I couldn't feel sorry, I could just help them either into the ambulance or on their side so they wouldn't swallow their tounge. All the while everyone who's fucked up around the situation is yapping this and that.
I abused drugs and alcohol because I was depressed and scared, and then I realised my mood wasnt the best I could be, and I wasn't where I wanted to be. two years later I'm just starting to get back on my feet - did the docs, acu therapy, mentor program, relapsed a bunch of times.
I'm sure I wanted to die the nights I drove a car into a house and then a few months later into the ditch. I used to drive and close my eyes thinking I wanted to die.
Then about 3 weeks ago I got my heart broken by a bi guy (flip flopping) again and said to myself I wasn't going to let this go farther, that if I wanted a chance to meet those guys that are fucking awesome dudes, then I would have to constantly be striving for that goal - working out, eating healthy, meditation/yoga/acupuncture for stress relieve and grounding. I'm sure switching my mood stabilizer med helped too.. :P essentially reconstruct my life.
I'm sure you read enough comments, but if someone 1000km away takes time to write out some personal life experiences then I'd like to think you actually take the time to read and consider.
Anywho, cheers mate,
take er easy(er)
and keep lookin cute:P
G
You need a good, swift kick in the pants buddy-boy. If you didn't look the way you do, porn star body and handsome, no one would give a shit. You knew full well that you were doing too much G-I don't buy the line about you being socially awkward-and then went out in public to get a reaction, which you did. What a sight that must have been! Nothing like watching someone overdose and puke, to get your hormones racing.
When I first started reading your blog, I felt sorry for you. Now, I don't. I know you say that you don't care about what people write, but you chose a public venue to air your thoughts. Someone who seeks privacy keeps a private, written journal. Now, I think that you're self-indulgent and having a huge pity party. Be a man-take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You're 26 years old now, not a child and the excuses are wearing thin and transparent. Become the man you want to be, not just a plastic model of a man. You are your own salvation. Remember, if you take five pounds of shit and put it in a Louis Vuitton bag that cost $2000.00, you still have 5 pounds of shit-it just looks better.
i just want to give you a big old hug.
hold on man.
Ok. I can't hold my tongue anymore. Please don't catagorize gay men as the soul stealing, bar smothering scum bags that circles around you. The real men you are looking for aren't where you're looking. I'm sitting here thinking to myself "why does he talk about doing drugs like it's nothing to worry about"? That's so out of this world maddening. I've just learned through your blog that you don't want help, you want security. I hope you find it. Thanks for the searing honesty.
There are a bunch of guys fighting over setting up an escort appointment with Erik at the "Daddy's Review" site message center, where people have been directed to Erik's blog. I wouldn't be surprised if the fighting over Erik among the ex-s and friends actually was real. There clearly are people who will happily fuck someone who is incapacitated. I never saw the point, myself. In my younger days when I thought I was straight and hung out with people who did plenty of drinking and doping, I saw plenty of straight people do this, too. It's not a gay thing although there's an aspect to any victimized population that will happily turn around and victimize their peers. And I hestitate to use the term "victim" because it assumes a lack of responsibility and draws out all kinds of "concern trolls". In the real world, it's much more complicated and Erik knows that he's fucked up and part of this cycle.
I'm with EDMCAN, 100%. When I first starting reading your blog, I was intrigued. Not so much anymore. Get over yourself.
You seem determined to fuck up your life. Oh well.
The blog seems like a not-so-clever ruse to get PR, boost your ego, or create drama.
What a waste.
Funny...after reading you now for two months, if I saw you drugged out, ass up at a party, hole exposed and ripe for fucking, I'd be tempted to swoop down and snatch a bite and not think twice about it. You obviously don't value yourself, why should anyone else?
How long will it be until you turn into just another Danny Roddick/Kent North?
I'm also with EDMCAN.
Left a comment already on this blog and I see that bostonartist5 is also hinting at the PR thing.
OK - it is not PR, but whatever it is , is not helping you.
And I wonder what you mean in your blog with the word "friend". NONE of the people ever mentioned in your blogs as ever behaved as a friend. A person that cares will do whatever to get you off drugs, be close by; and when seeing you at a club in a mess like that, would have taken you out of it quick and brought you back home. Full stop. So much for your "friends".
And drugs...: being a porn star in comparison is a kid's thing. Maybe I was wrong in my previous post - you should really keep the title of the blog to "Slipping Away" because this is what you have already decided to do without anybody help or support you out.
And considering also how your "ex" is helping you, you're much better off alone. Honestly. If there was ever anything meaningful between the two of you, it seems it wasn't enough for him to help you out during the current mess you are going through. Better off alone, I would say.
I wonder: why on earth are we all writing these posts if you don't follow not even 1% of what we suggest you to do?
Maybe because we see in the middle of your posts, a little feeble light that tries hard not to fade away. At least I do.
And friends should help you keep the light burning and increase its strength. This is what maybe we are trying to do here with the posts. And clearly you are not doing anything to improve the situation you are in now, with either what we write here (the only thing we can do) or with the support of anybody else out there ("friends", MDs, acquaintances, family, whoever) you have a real physical contact with.
Friends certainly do not behave as you described in this last post. If ever that was the reality...considering you were already dozing off to another galaxy...and you must have liked it. Otherwise you would not have started it all in the first place. I am more and more sorry to read what you write, but it seems that no matter what we write you are not willing to listen a bit.
I am feeling hopeless and will probably stop commenting. I will be waiting for a positive sign, or read something that will really make me tick off...
Take care, if you can - and please, change scene, you really don't want to hang around with all those people, sorry, friends (and I forgot to mention, wonderful supporting ex's).
Erik, you're not the first person to try and escape from things with drugs, a lot of us have done that, myself included. At least you understand what you're doing. Things don't have to be this way, you don't have to be a mess but you're the only one that can do anything about it. Things stay the same until we decide to do them differently. Give yourself a chance.
Doing drugs obviously did not help your situation. Date rape drugs at that. I'm sorry, but can't you relax without drugs? And, you went out in public in bad shape. I don't know what your "friends" did to you while you were out of it and apparently neither do you. If you can't quit the drugs because you need them, then you need to go to rehab and get clean. You can deny this if you like, but that's also a sign you need help. Kick the drugs and get your head on straight. This can't be good for your looks. Shallow though that sounds, it's part of your job to look good. When your contract is over, then what? Have you decided to stay with porn and die some more inside, or are you looking at other options? If you're a model of any kind, you still have to take care of yourself. More to the point, as a semi-happy person, this is also important. If you don't care, what's the point of writing this blog? Most of the people who comment back care about you and are not trying to get in your pants. Please quit wallowing in self-pity and stay away from drugs. You can't depend on drugs and/or others for your self-esteem. You don't seem to have any now, and it won't get better if you don't learn to care about yourself and do what's best for you. Think about it. Figure out what you need to do, and then do it. Take responsibility for yourself. You're a grown man and you need to act like one. I know this is a lecture and you won't listen, but listen. But, you haven't listened to the people who didn't lecture either. Sweet words don't work with you. I don't know if anything will, but I had to try.
Not sure how I came across your blog but just started reading it a few days ago.
You are your own worst enemy, Erik.
Don't like your life? Change it. Get new friends. Seek out help which is READILY available to contain your drug use (or addiction), stay out of the clubs and take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming others.
Change your life and stop bitching about it.
You'll be much more attractive, inside and out, when you gain control of your actions and emotions.
No matter how wasted you were you shouldn't have let that guy with the greasy black rubber gloves, cuffs, and a ballgag take you home.
Dude.. ur soon gonna become something like this: http://bp1.blogger.com/_-MAXrGjMOmU/RZ5pO4MydVI/AAAAAAAAABI/t3TYijlZNGg/s320/britney+spears.jpg or like this: http://britmusicscene.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/amy-winehouse-overdose.jpg
And this comment was suppose to be funny...
I don't have a drug problem. I am way to vain to let drugs destroy my life, but at the same time, i have a hard time socializing and feeling good about myself in public. So i use them to hopefully fit in and be alittle more open to a lifestyle i am extremely uncomfortable with.
Yes, i agree that i am hurting myself on purpose, i just trying my best to readjust to being single. In my life so far, it seems like i have to hit the bottom before i figure out that i'm there and need to force myself back up. I have done it, accouple times. It just feels like its getting harder and harder.
We all have had days where we didnt wanna live our lives, i just have those days more offen than you.
as for this being a pity party...maybe it is. Maybe its just nice to know that someone is listening. Regardless of being a porn star and recognition, i'm a lonely person. Maybe i need you guys.
Joey, if i saw a guys with greasy black gloves and a ballgag, he would be the first guy i would go home with.
Erik,
I think that there is a lot of misunderstanding here. First, if you were a healthy person, you would be able to walk away from the drugs, porn, self-pity, paranoia,etc. People are telling you to do these things as if you don't know they are a problem. The trouble with depression is that you know that you have problems, but without help there is nothing that you can do. I think that at this point in your life you feel that the only worthy thing you have to offer the world is your fantastic body. That's it. No matter what anyone tells you you believe that is all you have to give someone. I was at your place. I don't have the body, but I thought that everyone was nice to me because of my position and not because they liked me. No matter what anyone said, I didn't beieve them. Alcohol became my best friend and the only way to shut out the hurt and paranoia. I finally bottomed out. It was not pretty. I got some help and today I am much better....not cured, but better. I haven't wanted to drive my car into a tree for about 4 months....not too bad for me.
I feel like you are going to have to bottom out before you get help. I just hope that it won't be too late. I think you let guys abuse and humilate you physically because of how much you hate yourself right now.
If it helps you to blog, keep on doing it. Some of these guys that are putting you down on here just don't have to read it.
later...
Erik, you sound like my sister. She started out Barbie and turned into Janice, the cracked-out Muppet, thanks to drugs. People cared a lot because she was strikingly beautiful. But that faded and now drugs are just all that she has. Ditch the drugs and move to the mountains or some po-dunk town where no one knows you and no one cares, to get a little perspective. And the comment about your friends is right--you have to surround yourself with real people, the kind who throw you a birthday dinner for you and your friends with no promotional purposes involved. Pointblank, you gotta love your life even if it means leaving the one you're comfortable with. And I don't mean kill yourself.
Well, then, Erik, you're a conceited selfish self-indulgent guy. But at least you pretty much admit that. And, yes, you're free do do this blog even if some label it a "pity party." At least you're upfront about the whole thing. But if you ever get genuinely depressed where you're not taking some masochistic enjoyment of it, you should just get on medication. There's no good reason why a 26-year-old goodlooking guy with all four limbs should be so depressed except for a chemical thing.
"I don't have a drug problem."
"i have a hard time socializing and feeling good about myself in public. So i use them to hopefully fit in and be alittle more open to a lifestyle i am extremely uncomfortable with." And that's exactly what a drug problem is..
"i just trying my best to readjust to being single" and amy winehouse is doing drugs because she misses her husband...
Time to go to rehab? think about it before u say "no no no"
Erik,
I've been through this shit with my ex (and yes the drugs and the sex addiction are the reason we are exes)...get some help man; learn to trust yourself and a select few who don't have an underhanded motives. if you're using the blog to talk - many of us out here are willing to listen....take care.
"My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived....I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night"
I hope you realize that these people are not your friends. Friends are suppose to support each other, respect each other, look out for one another, these are not friends. It sounds like you were raped, I don't think it is something you should take lightly. I understand this low self-esteem thing you have going on, but this is going to bring you to an all time low. You have to start thinking about distancing yourself from this current life and crowd that you surround yourself with. It doesn't mean moving to another city or somewhere far away, just cut them off, and cut yourself off from these people. Don't be so scared about being alone, you might find something out about yourself that you have been searching for, like you can survive on your own and you don't need anyone to make you happy because you can take of yourself.
I am curious, though, about why you feel the way you do. It's like you have abandonment issues. What is your relationship like with your blood family? Are you close? I noticed in a previous post you mentioned you have siblings, are you in contact with them? Is it hard for you to communicate with them? Do you find they don't understand you? What was you life like with your parents? What is your relationship like with them now? If these are too personal to answer in public try to answer them on your own. I only ask because it has been said that some of the problems/issues we face as adults were formed early from our childhood experiences. Maybe you'll find answers there that will help you heal and find what you're looking for. Stay focused on your goals, the goals of happiness and stability. Stay focused, stay focused, stay focused! You have it in you, and you will get it, but just stay focused. Instead of taking one step forward and 10 back, try taking 1 step forward and 10 more ahead of that. Wishing you only the best, because you are!
T.
Hi Erik
I was really shocked by your last message:
1. Please be careful taking G and avoid using it at all if possible. I have personal experience of being in your friends' shoes and having to deal with a friend collapsing on it and it is not funny. By some miracle, the three of us got him out of the mess, but he was lucky. I know two others who have been in a state similar to you and woke up in a hospital with their clothes cut off them; it has been responsible for dozens of hospitalisations and even deaths here in London.
2. If some crime was perpetrated against you when you were intoxicated, as you seem to imply, you should go to the police. No-one has the right to take advantage of you like that.
3. I will not lecture you about steering clear of clubs or drugs because I am not a hypocrite, but you do need to have more of a sense of who your real friends are. Not all gay men are evil, but there are a lot of predators out there and you are exactly the person to attract them. You need to surround yourself with people who really care about your welfare, not those who want to be seen with you or take advantage of you when you are in such a state, especially if you have a tendency to lose control of yourself as you seem to do.
I do think you need to see a therapist, because you are in a downward spiral. In the meantime, read Feeling Good by Dr David Burns - this book may help you.
I don't know what else to say. I hope that you do realise that some people do care about you, and I don't mean the people on this board.
Good luck and listen to some of the advice - it is good!!
dude don't become the "next gay dead pornstar"
get some help,
all the best
first off,i don't know you and i'm sure someone has said this to you before but..
maybe it's time for a break in your lifestyle as of now..get away from it. it's obviously not making you happier.something needs to change..to get out of this rut. it could be the simplest little change that starts the ball rolling.what could hurt in trying?
we all have a choice...you may not see it now but you will and when it happens, you'll wonder why you didn't see it in the first place.
i've been depressed for most of my life but without it i wouldn't know the difference between the good and the bad. it comes and it goes.always has.always will. i deal with it and yeah, even accept it if you will..not to say i don't have my bad "weeks"...but it makes those happier times that much more..
we live more than one life in a lifetime. you have a few more lives to go..stick around. i know hope is a hard thing to have faith in but then it wouldn't be hope now would it?
thayt is awful, i think you should cool it with the club scene, it seems whenever you go some drama goes down. you are trying to move on with your life, maturing, but you are being held back by a few things and i think the club scene is one of them.
i am sorry that someone took advantage of you, that is just wrong.
but this is only going to make you a stronger person
The most frustrating thing Erik, is that you're so fucking intelligent, really. I believe that you do need us, readers and commentaters, and that you're a very lonely man.
I just wish I could take you by the shoulders and give you a good, hard shake and say WAKE UP!
I am not a mean person. I think everyone deserves a chance, who help themselves. Running from problems instead of confronting them solves nothing AND YOU KNOW IT! Gees Erik, you must see some redeeming features within yourself. You are smarter than all of this; fucking channel that intelligence into something beneficial, instead of it being demeaning and debasing.
There is more to life than looking beautiful. BE beautiful!
You probably do need us. Your vulnerability is as obvious as your effort to be tough. There is something more than what you experiencein the lows, but I suspect that you'll need to bottom out more or need to get out of your current situation before that becomes obvious in a way that's useful and accessible to you.
AMEN traveller!
I know you said you'd try to make Angelo and Damien better friends. Have you? They wouldn't do you like the people who took advantage of you did. They're sweet guys and they'd help you relax and enjoy yourself without ending up hurt. Not all gay guys who would befriend you are bad people. You should hang out with people that you know are your friends and not just go indiscriminately clubbing. At least for a while. You're too vulnerable right now. A break up is a break up and you need to get over this one.
sorry, i dont put effort into being tough...thats stupid, shit thats like me saying Extra femmy gays go out of their way to act like big queens. Maybe some do, but i'm sure that's just who they are.
Okay, so you're naturally tough and butch! Jeesh! But still vulnerable.
Its true, I know guys who love being fem. I know myself and others are turned off by fems. Hell, I'm banned from two gay bars for life because I can't stand em (I like to dance tho..)
It is not all of us.
But honestly, you're on a weak and innefective med. Get the good shit. and self medicate.
I can believe you when you say you aren't addicted to the drugs because I gave em up in a second when I started thinking positive and on meds. I was still shakey so my doc gave me a lithium tablet to take w/ my paxil and ever since that day I've been healthy and way more active and social.
Part of the problem was the lifestyle I was leading. Up and down, up and down. I used to not be able to sleep let alone walk out the door. I started drinking and doing drugs to cope.
in three weeks I've been sober (besides dope*also wonderful*) I've already started plans on paying back my family and getting back on my feet.
I'm just saying Erik, I'm proof that you can get pulled back from wanting to jump over the edge.
But it took me a while to convince myself I wanted it though.
Here is the blog I set up last Fall. I just re-read it and I am not AT ALL thinking like that anymore. :)
http://mindfullprogressions.blogspot.com/
Eric: "So i use them to hopefully fit in and be a little more open to a lifestyle, i am extremely uncomfortable with."
WTF! Do you realize how offensive and enraging stuff like that is to read? If we are to go by what you write, you surround yourself with scum. Then you portray that shallow and nightmarish world of selfishness and excess as 'the gay lifestyle'.
Are you "extremely uncomfortable" with the gay lifestyle of the gay forest ranger (like my brother) or the gay science teacher or the gay track coach for the disabled kids or the gay couple raising abandoned foster kids or the gay carpenter or the gay truck driver, etc?
Quit acting like you are too pristine for some supposed degenerate lifestyle that you have to somehow lower yourself to accept. By your own words you've surrounded yourself with vacant pigs, hedonistic vultures, and narcissistic replicons. Quit acting like that is all you have to choose from.
If you aren't even aware that 99% of gay people are NOT living anything like the lifestyle you write about, then you have far more serious problems then drug use and being single
what a waste of youth and good looks! you're such a porn cliche! i've got news for you mate - you'll never be this young or handsome again.
quit porn, book more legit modelling job, and move to australia (ok, nevermind the third point that's just wishful thinking on my part :) it all seems very straight forward to me. good luck!
Erik, is there any reason to try to reach you and offer you a helping hand, if you do not even try to accept it?
For god's sake, kiddo, you are 26 years old, not amixed up teenager.
I am 66, living alone the last 14 years, gone through quite a few heart aches and some tough financial and personal times, but never let myself despair and fall for drugs. When you say you are not an addict and you can control their use, you make me cringe and feel even more sorry for you.
This is not the first time I write you on this blog, but will probably be the last... Spring is almost here and I am looking forward to long walks in the woods admiring the nature. I was hoping you would accept my offer and share those walks, but I understand that you prefer wallowing in your own vomit in an alley. Too bad, but there is nothing anyone else can do to help you but offer help.
So, kiddo, the door of my home is still open for you and I have a guest bedroom with a single twin bed always ready. Ciao, Bruno
Saw and called your escort ad on Rentboy. Left a message. Let me know if or when you're available. I love to party and play too.
just made an account to specifically reply to this blog after stumbling upon it 10 mins ago...
newhooooo, i think its completely pointless and drama seeking to be all 'oh, i NEEEED sum1 in my life', 'i want a new bf so i feel loved', 'boo-hoo-hoo'...
Bloody hell! get a grip, ur a fully grown man not a stupid teenage girl! And if your completely unable to be happy by urself and you're so desperate that you absolutely need to be loved by that oh-so special sum1, monging out in a pool of your own drool in the middle of some dingey club full of coke fuelled gyrating whores isn't exactly the ideal place to practice socialising with the intent of finding a long term partner... is it.
Also, just how stupid are you to intentionally use 'date rape' as a recreational drug! AND, in public...... say it with me now! DRUGS ARE BAAAAAAD.
CW, your are so wrong its amazing. Part of the problem that i have with Gay men regardless if they are a Gay forrest Ranger, science teacher or coach for retards, it is that you can still never trust them. Yeah your brother my lead a very noble lifestyle and everyone he comes in contact see's a great act but behind close door or later that night he turns into a pervert that has fucked everyone at his gay local bar. Your gay science teacher hires hookers on a regular basis and has HIV and yet won't tell his life partner and the Gay retard coach is a size queen that attends regular SM party's where he gets tied up and has cloths pins cliped to his cock and balls.
Being that i have worked as an escort for much of my gay life i have seen what men do, and who they are and have come to the conclusion that regardless of the great life they lead infront of everyone, they all have so many skeleton in their closest that it could make you sick if you only thought of all the shit any of your ex's have done behind your back that you will never know about. That the truth regardless of what you wanna tell yourself.
So fuck the fact that some queer has a good job, it doesnt mean that they are not truely fucked up and perverted in there head and you just dont know about it.
Like i said you are so wrong its amazing!
Hang in there Eric, whether or not u have issues with drug abuse or not is only for u to say.....It just sounds like you are in a lot of pain....Perhaps finding one or two friends not connected to the biz or the club scene might help u to work through some of this stuff....I wish you the best and hope u are able to find some comfort/support without putting yourself at risk, after all, I would hate to see us lose another great guy, (think Heath Ledger)
Be easy on yourself.
coach for retards,,,wtf who says that? i can't believe i ever felt sorry for you. you are the ultimate fame whoring douchebag.
"Maybe its just nice to know that someone is listening. Regardless of being a porn star and recognition, i'm a lonely person. Maybe i need you guys."
Erik,
Who is your best friend?
Don't you have a few close friends whom you hang out with regularly in lieu of your ex boyfriend?
Or was your ex boyfriend your entire private world?
Who is your support system? Your brother?
Who hangs out with you that isn't involved in making money off your body?
I'm beginning to see the bigger picture here. Fuck, I hate being empathetic!
I don't know if escorting really gets you a representative slice of gay men. You're getting guys who are too busy in their professional lives to cultivate long-term relationships, guys with quirks and needs that they cannot satisfy in their other relationships, guys who are emotionally needy and underdeveloped, and guys who are just plain freaks. There are plenty of guys who are much more able to engage in a long-term relationship or at least a non-dysfunctional fuck buddy one. Yes, there are plenty of game playing gay men, but somehow quite a few guys wind up in lasting relationships. As you get older, the pool of guys willing to settle down gets larger, which you should see as something to be optimistic about. Sometimes, the sex fades in time and it becomes a friendship, but either way, it's much more functional than just hooking up.
3 questions:
Does moaning publicly about yourself on a blog, fix anything or does it just reinforce your feelings of inadequacy & lack of self-worth?
As for the rant about gay men & drugs, maybe it's time to move out of LA! Honestly, outside of the 'gay urban ghettos', there aren't as many clones & sad cliches. Try being original with your life.
Thirdly, if you want respect from others, start by respecting yourself...that goes for love too.
Good luck!
you should get out of porn...move to Vermont and ski the drug problem/sexual addiction away at a fancy rehab...worked for me (coupled with a good therapist)
"Being that i have worked as an escort for much of my gay life i have seen what men do, and who they are . . ."
You think you're getting a reasonable distribution from the guys who pay you for a little slap and tickle? Really? You don't think the graph would be a little skewed toward the kinky/cheating side?
I get the feeling that this whole thing is an exercise in mental masturbation; not really working toward a goal, just meandering through the what-if's.
And if that's true, you could at least tell people so they know what's going on. And maybe throw up a shot of your weiner from time to time.
We're only human, you know.
Ken i live in New York. I can't stomach LA.
I am impressed at the insightful observations people have already made.
Erik -
How do you want people to truly see you...for the person you really inside...or for the self-destructive behaviors you keep showing to the world?
It sounds like people have taken and continue to take advantage of you. (Which by the way, whatever happened over the weekend should be addressed with the authorities.) It's not just a gay thing...straight people hurt one another in the blink of an eye too.
Gay men don't have the monopoly on leading a freaky sex life on the weekends and a clean and pious work week either. Gay men can be sleazy, disgusting vampires when they want to be...but they can also be strong and positive members of society. Free will gets in the way and they choose either path. Just because they get their "I'm a big 'mo" button in the mail doesn't mean they ALL automatically pounce on every man they see.
Drugs don't help the situation because once the euphoria stops you are back on the ground feeling worse than before...that much more susceptible to having another person sink their claws into you.
Clubbing is the same thing. A bunch of beautiful hard bodies and not a soul in the building. Yes...they would all jump at the chance to sleep with you...but do they even know what your name is?
You are dealing with depression...that much is understood. Why continue to put yourself in situations that make you feel worse about yourself and in the end hurt you that much more?
Find something, ANYTHING that you love to do that doesn't require being covered in black leather, latex or Crisco for the evening.
The choice is yours...live your life to the best of your ability.
Just because they get their "I'm a big 'mo" button in the mail doesn't mean they ALL automatically pounce on every man they see.
1) It's been four months, and I still haven't gotten my big 'mo button OR my gay agenda guidebook. I'm starting to feel rejected.
2) Honey, if that don't give me the right to do some man pouncin' we've got a problem, cause this new fag is ready for some trainin'.
I'm sorry...our distribution list just got upgraded to Windows Millenium...we had a server crash...some of the welcome packets didn't get processed as quickly as we would have liked.
Hey...if you like what you see and he is willing to..."train" with you...have at it. Just remember to remove the name tag that saids "Trainee" before getting the evening started
Part of the problem that i have with Gay men regardless if they are a Gay forrest Ranger, science teacher or coach for retards, it is that you can still never trust them ... he turns into a pervert that has fucked everyone at his gay local bar. Your gay science teacher hires hookers on a regular basis and has HIV and yet won't tell his life partner and the Gay retard coach is a size queen that attends regular SM party's where he gets tied up and has cloths pins cliped to his cock and balls.
Face the truth, you are simply a bigot and probably racist too. You are filled with so much judgement and hate that there is really nothing different between you and someone like Fred Phelps or Ken Hutcherson.
So if you are not just fronting for attention and really believe what you say, why are you such a coward. You claim that gays are untrustworthy and perverted. Obviously that includes you too unless you think you are some brand-new fag Jesus. So why in the heck would you go to queer dance clubs, take faggot drugs, and put your nose to the butts of other men?
Are you saying that you are so hypocritical that as you are one of the few to see the secrets of how evil homosexual men are, at the same time you love embracing the evil and sewing your perverted seed? Don't you even have to balls to follow your conscience and be the so-called decent and honest man (not homosexual) who you say is absent from the community?
It makes no sense. It's the politically incorrect reality that millions of gays don't do drugs or engage in permiscous sex. Yet you self-righteously condemn them and even openly write about doing far worse and living daily decadence and degeneracy. Think about it for a minute. If a gay teen were to read about your exploits and reflect on your comments towards the lying, cheating, untrustworthy pigs that gay men are, they would long ago have committed suicide. Is there anyone on the planet you care about other than yourself and building up your ego by judging others? Don't front that you are self-hating or judging yourself, because as much as you whine and complain, you never change even the slightest thing. If there's anything you do in life, please at least stop hurting others.
Sounds like you think that someone having a pervy side makes them a bad person and unworthy of trust. There are plenty of gay guys out there who don't hire hookers and not tell their partners.
But what is the complaint about someone who likes BDSM stuff and isn't betraying anyone to do it?
Your trust problems come from you and the dirtbag guys you're associating with--it's not all gay men that are like that. You've got to admit that the sample of guys you've met is probably not representative of much.
Hey dude. I have never read the rantings of a gay porn star before. Let me be honest, you are one tweaked out freak. It is people like you who perfectly exemplify why fags are a sick bunch of misfits. What do you do all day, primp and pose? You sound like one of the most weak and needy guys I've have ever heard of.
What normal guy would want to even cross paths with you? It sounds like you are a bottomless pit of high-maintenance demands and constantly needing attention and worship. Have you ever offered anything of substance to another guy? What skills or interests have you developed besides giving up your rectum as a playtoy?
I encourage as many people as I can to read your blog and see how homosexuals truly live without the liberal spin. The vast majority of homosexuals are obsessed with sexual hedonism and drugs just as you detail in your posts. Our young impressionable kids need to see these harsh realities and turn away from the dead-end gay lifestyle.
Believe it or not, your local Christian ministry is your best friend. We have been warning society about the very same problems you have encountered. Fags are a vicious bunch of predatory vultures as you have learned. Don't you think it's about time you left that lifestyle for queer losers and decided on a life of wholesomeness and productivity? You've learned the dirty secret of the gay lifestyle. Those people are mean-spirited perverts who want nothing more than to defile our young teenaged boys. How about today deciding to join the forces of good and rejecting the disgusting fag lifestyle.
sounds like CW needs an escort appt.
...and the Gay retard coach is a size queen that attends regular SM party's where he gets tied up and has cloths pins cliped to his cock and balls.
Your coach is a size queen with a cloths pin (sic) fetish? Seriously?
Geez, you are right. You have the Worst Life Ever in the history of mankind!
Fortunately, that matches your acting, writing, and relationship skills.
Well said Erik (Re: 11:51AM ET Feb 26).
To those who are having serious problem with what Erik posted: Stop asking for a Big Mac or complain they don't have Filet-O-Fish at Taco Bell.
I'm beginning to feel like Erik is actually a normal gay while people who lashed out are the ones that needs to see the doctors. Yes it's ok to criticize what Erik thinks but it's just wrong trying to FIX him to the way you want him to be.
Erik, thanks for having the guts to be real about how messed up queers are. As a young African-American, I experienced a similar struggle dealing with rap nigger trash among my peer group. I encourage you to leave those fools behind as I did.
You are better than the twisted fags who haunt NYC. Move to somewhere real like Texas. I couldn't wait to leave the hood and all the bad influences. Believe me, the sooner you get away from those faggots, the better you will be.
Don't listen to some of the bogus homos who are obviously trying to justify their lifestyle and pull you back in. You know in your heart that they are worthless fembots and fruits. There's a whole world out here of normal healthy people waiting for you. Get the frick out of that Soddom and Gomorrah before it takes your soul. You are better than the alternative lifestyle of ravenous fag pedophiles.
Do the right thing...
Speaking of freaks, why are you here? Typical Christian Right hypocrite, getting his voyeuristic gay thrill-probably wanking as he typed. I'll bet you were disappointed there were no nude pics here. Don't forget Ted Haggard er, wait a minute, is that you?
This is truly the funniest comment on here, that I have ever read.
"Speaking of freaks, why are you here?"
Because Erik Rhodes has the balls to ignore queer PC lies and speak the truth. It really gets to you fags to have one of your own expose this stuff doesn't it, lol.
Typical Christian Right hypocrite, getting his voyeuristic gay thrill-probably wanking as he typed.
Unfortunately for you, I'm not a homosexual. But I find it funny that even in your insults you admit that sodomites like Ted Haggard are some pretty sick moes.
Even people who oppose your lifestyle choice have to respect someone like Erik for not hiding from the truth and laying bare the sick reality of the queer world. Just like he says, you can't trust a fag. What can you do to deny it, call him a "homophobe"? Actually fear of homosexuality is a good thing and it's helping Erik see behind the phony mask of you pansies.
"do the right thing": what a troll you are. Erik is complaining about gay men in a way that lots of gay guys do. He isn't going to go looking for Jesus (someone of whom you obviously know little) and he's unlikely to renounce his sexuality. He's just sick of queeny guys and fellow gays who act hypocritically or take advantage of other guys. Kindof like a lot of fundamentalist ministers I can think of (the queeny aspect, as well as the hypocracy and exploitation). At best, I'd guess that you're some closet queen getting off on being here.
Dewon: You think Texas is 'real?'
Lemme tell you about my Texas reality: Texas has one of the largest BD/sM communities in the US (oh, and according to Family Guy Texans are socially backward). So call NYC Sodom and Gomorrah, but it just ain't reality.
Do the right thing: Why don't you 'do the the right thing' and proselytize someplace else. Erik's not looking for Jeebus, nor is he looking to NOT BE GAY.*
*I wouldn't normally speak up for someone who can/does speak for themselves, but holy fucking shit you're annoying.
Erik: You know my position on everything else. Getting fucking help. You do have a drug problem no matter what you say. That you use drugs because you feel awkward in social situations is the definition of a drug problem (watch Celebrity Rehab when Dr. Drew is talking to Jeff "Kenickie" Conaway's girlfriend).
Cw, i'm tired of having a conversation with you. Yeah i may sound and act hypocritical. But this is what i have been taught from our community. I would hope a fresh young fags would read my blog and know what to be prepared for in his gay life. I wish i knew the options knew about differnt types of gay lifestyles before i ended up in the one i am in and regret so much.
As for me caring about others, sure i do, but yes i am quick to judge fags. All the fags i know have hurt me or fucked me over. So yeah i judge fags alittle to quickly, sorry, but blame the community.
I'm gonna quit addressing you now, So i will just leave you with this. Why dont you Go fly your rainbow flag outside your house and pretend everything is just fine in your life. Read all the issues of Genre, Out and POZ magazine that you can so you can call yourself informed. All the while living a life completely clueless from what is really going on. I on the other hand will not be so naive.
keep reading, love you xoxo
erik
Being that i have worked as an escort for much of my gay life i have seen what men do, and who they are and have come to the conclusion that regardless of the great life they lead infront of everyone, they all have so many skeleton in their closest that it could make you sick if you only thought of all the shit any of your ex's have done behind your back that you will never know about. That the truth regardless of what you wanna tell yourself.
So fuck the fact that some queer has a good job, it doesnt mean that they are not truely fucked up and perverted in there head and you just dont know about it.
Like i said you are so wrong its amazing!
Come ON. Do you hear yourself? You have lived in such a way that your experiences with gays could only BE negative. You were/are an escort, for 'perverted' (as you put it) men who are seeking the company of a young, attractive man.
You talk about how you use drugs and the only escape you have from the terrible life you lead is to have sex with random men and to get G'd out or whatever.
You hate on all these guys who live the party life, yet you partake of it yourself. How can you expect to find happiness if you surround yourself with that which you so strongly hate? You hate 'fags' and all of these things... yet there you were, too wasted/high to take care of yourself in a club.
I feel bad that you see life in such a negative light. There is much to be thankful for. You are not homeless, starving or lacking in intelligence or looks. You have a roof over your head and you havent been subjected to times of war or been a refugee in your lifetime (as far as I know- but I think most of these assumptions are probably safe).
Clearly you suffer from adjustment issues regarding being gay- but I think most people in your situation would. You came out and became a porn star... sex is a very very powerful thing that messes with your mind much more than most guys can imagine. Your own life is proof of this- you now feel like all men are dirty, cheating bastards...because thats all youve summarily experienced in the gay world. But surprise surprise...look at the world that you put yourself in.
I think its sad that you feel like you should give up, or that its hopeless. It is not hopeless. Everyone does have issues....but that doesnt mean that we are all psychotic, morally corrupt or drug addicts. NOBODY is perfect- but there are guys who have LESS issues and who are pretty well adjusted. There ARE guys who are pretty much normal. There are guys who dont sleep around, and who dont take escorts, or cheat on their boyfriends.
The key is that you have to realize that there is very little inside the 'beautiful' circles of NYC, SF and LA. Its superficial and quite ugly on the inside. I know you know this already. Those are the guys who are gonna screw you over- yet you keep coming back for more.
You also have to accept that most likely, you are going to get hurt. That does not mean that you wont find mister right after a while. But you have to kiss a few toads before you get to mister right.
Really its up to you if you are going to stop surrounding yourself with negativity. These are toxic friends- and for some reason their fakery seems to affect your entire view of gays. Again- Not EVERYONE is like this. I've never used a drug and I've never cheated on significant others. Furthermore I really cant think of any close friends who have cheated on their boyfriends. I am not ugly, fat, short, lacking in personality or stupid. Neither are my friends. Life is what you make of it.
I really respect Erik more than most of the fags commenting here. How many can honestly say they trust another queer? How many can honestly say they aren't sexually perverted or have friends who are into the most demented kinky garbage?
Like Erik says, the gay lifestyle is nothing to be proud of. People need to open their eyes and face that ugly reality. Like Erik says, every fag he's ever known either hurt him or fucked him over. How can you demand he accept the homosexual lifestyle when it's filled with flakes like that?
The worst are some of you deceptive types. I don't care if you are gay with a PhD in divinity or a gay Iraq War vet with your leg blown off. Just like Erik said, the truth that you know in your heart is you are some kind of ugly size queen or disgusting femmy queen who blows every guy in town. Erik said what everyone knows but is afraid to say. NOW DEAL WITH IT!
damn son, it's been time for you to bounce. good luck in your quest to get better, i know it ain't easy.
you have the power to get better
:)
Like others who gave comment,i was so intrigued by your pain-stricken life erik,a part of me still is,but...it seems you're is confused...
You cry out for help...but if you really needed it,you wouldn't have been vomiting forth another episode of SLIPPING AWAY.I'm not saying that you're not in trouble and that you really need help because you do....neither am I saying that i know you, BECAUSE NO ONE BUT GOD KNOWS YOU....(please don't spew insult to God now because you hinted before that you don't wanna go there,so don't); but you're thriving in this it seems.
Below your profile it says "a miserable porn star who has nothing better to do with his spare time"....why don't you volunteer at a fucking homeless shelter,or home for abused women and children or something and see that maybe,JUST MAYBE, your life isn't as shit you you make it out to be.
and yes,that was sarcastic.
THIS IS PATHETIC.
HOW DO I UNSUBSCRIBE?
IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE WORKING.
Our purpose is to educate as well as entertain ~Curtis Mayfield
"Do the right thing" guy, as a recently out Christian, I feel it's my duty to tell you that you're the wrongest wrong that ever wronged. And I don't appreciate your constant use of pejoratives. Especially regarding your comment "Those people are mean-spirited perverts who want nothing more than to defile our young teenaged boys.", kindly piss the fuck off.
As for Erik's ugly comments and cw's reaction to them, Erik is pretty obviously dealing with some considerable self-hatred (I get that from the rest of the blog) and he's lashing out. It's perfectly normal; we've all done it to some degree. Take it (a little) easy on him.
Erik, it occurred to me last night that what you're really saying with this whole blog is that you want to be one of the Norms. Buddy, that just ain't gonna happen.
First of all, you're in a culture that doesn't accept the concept of healthy long-term gay relationships. That sucks, but we both know it's true. That doesn't mean that healthy long-term gay relationships don't exist; just that they aren't accepted as normal. Hopefully that'll change, but it's a slow process and we'll both be old men by then.
Secondly, you're a drug abusing hooker who does hard core porn on the side. This is not now, nor will it be, considered a normal career path.
Given those facts, wishing on a star that you'll suddenly be a Norm is kind of a waste of time. That doesn't mean you can't be happy, and it doesn't mean you can't be in that fulfilling relationship you've talked about longing for, but you really, for your own good, need to get over the idea of the general public thinking of you as "normal". (From what I hear, it's overrated anyway.)
Now how about those wiener pictures I asked for?
"I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs. "
I'd be glad to give you money for more drugs if you promise to promptly overdose on them!
"As a recently out Christian, I feel it's my duty to... " hahaha... to what go around reading porn stars blogs?
Honestly, he is a big boy and can handle his own life, lol, no pun intended. I doubt he need a thousand different people telling him what he needs to do, besides the whole disabling the comments, I like that one. And gees people If you don't like blog, than don't read it.
Also agreed LA sucks: born, raised, left...
Erik listen: I love to read about your sad and misrable life but I need more details. As a write your need to describe not to tell.
And because it is all fiction just let your fatasy go. Because it is all fiction, right?
Curtis Mayfield?! nice...
"As a recently out Christian, I feel it's my duty to... " hahaha... to what go around reading porn stars blogs?
That's not my duty, it's my pleasure.
hahahaha... Nice, I wish this was myspace that way I could leave Matthew 2 kuddos for being able to take a joke.
Ok i totally missed this and I could not pass this up: "Extra femmy gays go out of their way to act like big queens. Maybe some do, but i'm sure that's just who they are."
- do you know how hard it is to be "extra femme", It takes a lot of work and dedication, do you think that you just wake up one day with: a hundred dollar hair cut, a closet full of designer jeans, The complete set of Alanis Morissette, The latest convertible bug, NO it takes years dude, you couldn't handle it!
How dare you judge those people.! Until you have walked a mile in their fabulously over priced shoes, you have no right to talk, lol.
Now if you will excuse me I have to finish listening to jagged little pill!
This is just another comment among the many that you receive, but I can tell you that people do care. People that have never seen your videos care. But you will not find us in the clubs, and we no longer do GHB. But if you wonder why the movie theater feels so good . . . it's because we are sitting with you in the dark.
Corey
Erik-
Don't let the drugs control you...you need to control the drugs. It's a slippery slope and I've had too many friends convince themselves that they could handle it.
If you need to talk to someone who's been there, contact me. I know what you mean when you talk about the clients who appear normal on the surface and have a twisted interior. They can fuck you up man...don't let them.
Erik,
LA can't stomach you. Fags out here aren't interested in soon to be washed up gay porn stars. We are a little more ambitous than that. I don't know how things are in NY, but in LA we see them, roll our eyes and hope we don't get a disease when they pass us at the bar.
PIcture your life in 10 years......................
(great advice: quit drugs. leave porn. go to a phys ward/rehab. get on meds and find a career that won't leave you hanging out to dry with nothing at 40)
there is no end.
only change.
words fall short:
surround yourself with warm puppys and rub their tummys
to know GOD.
damn. why don't you grow the fuck up and stop doing drugs? social anxiety? stay home. do yourself a favor and go visit a fucking ICU and speak with the nurses there... i'll bet they'll help you out far more than any fucking friend trying to fight over you to take you home and save your ass. i'm not being judgmental... this is the only way you'll learn to stop doing that shit. you're fucking awesome by way. i won't say that i know you enough to give you advice.. but it seems like you need to laugh. why don't you just go to Youtube, and seach for DOT ADD and laugh your ass off!
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