And i hate to say it (for all those that thrive on juicy dramatic details) but things have settled down and we are both in the apartment. There is a huge awkward cloud floating around but there is less fighting.
I guess what is going on from my side, besides my back hurting from sleeping on a shitty futon and the obvious depression is all the questions going thru my head, all the "what if's". Which if you continue reading i will bore you to tears with...
I guess what scares me the most about breaking up is being alone. Since coming out at 21 have been in a constant relationship with someone. I actually broke up with one guy and found my next relationship that lasted a year in that same night. The worst part of that story is i broke up with the guy because i wanted to be single and lead the single lifestyle. I since have concluded as appealing as the single lifestyle is, it is not for me. I guess the reason being is that, alone, i have no self control. No one to get mad at me for staying out all night doing drugs, no one to stop me from being a slut, basically nothing to make me feel bad. Thats thrills me and scares the shit out of me at the same time. I guess the question i keep asking myself, is do i think i can handle it or is it going to be my downfall. The one picture that keeps going thru my head is me sitting alone in my empty apartment telling myself out of pure boredom "fuck this, lets get some meth and cock over here pronto".
You know at one point, i was so comfortable in this relationship that i saw myself growing old with him. I saw us as that old perverted couple on some cruise ship making unbearable comments and burning holes thru all the hot half naked guys. Possibley moving to long island or to Jersey ( where he is from, not me, just had to make that known) and have that white picket fence, not so typical gay relationship that you really dont see to offen. What if i never find that with anyone else, what if this is my chance and i give it up now? What if...
Now, i honestly feel bad cuz, this whole blog as basically bashed the shit out of him and people have bashed him in there comments and that is not really what i'm looking to do. I loved him alot and when the good time were good they were great. But when shit got bad, it was unbearable. I hnestly dont feel right not taking the majority of the blame for how everything turned out. I am not the best boyfriend and have never been and when coming into a relationship with me i ask for alot. I guess if you were him,could you stand to have your bf get fucked in the ass by another dude, regardless of it being for a porn? Its hard to deal with im sure.You need to have tough skin and i guess understand the dissconnected feeling toward sex that your bf has. You have to know that he wants to come home to you and know that is what matter to him the most.
I have tryed to explain this to him in the past, but he has never really understood. Being a porn star and dealing with sex on a regular basis i guess makes the act less meaningful then to the everyday normal person. What matters most is everything else, its the cuddling, its watching him dance around the apartment naked, knowing he is only doing it for you, its the stupid faces that he makes that melt you heart, its knowing you are his everything. Does that make me a bad person, that sex isnt as meaningful as those things? Maybe i'm the one who has it right and all you have it wrong? Maybe the only reason you feel like sex is everything is cuz daytime TV tell you it is. Shit if, you all just thought like me people like Jerry Springer wouldnt have a job, and lets face it everyone one who isnt from the south is desperately waiting until that show gets cancelled (yet Maury's show would have to many Guest whore's with baby mama drama that the show would need its once channel and since i still cant get enough of that shit, its a win win situation, right?)
Okay so just a bullet recap, cuz i know i got of topic a couple time and i'm being to lazy right now to proof read this to make sure i dont sound really stupid,
- Being alone might = me being a whore with nasty meth problem (which i dont want)
- Danny isnt a bad guy, just in a bad situation so please dont bash him (thats my job)
- Cancel Jerry Springer and Lets have more fucking Maury
Quote for this blog:
After the storm had passed I wondered how long The break in the clouds would last. I saw something in your eyes I'm sure. (Oh baby) I saw it Something in your eyes I wanted it for myself. ~ Dave Gahan
16 comments:
hmmm... i think it's great that you put some of that stuff from the last entry into perspective.
however, it's not like when your bf got into a relationship with you he didn't know you were in porn, or is it? i guess it's easy to say from an outside perspective, but i'd think i'd either be okay with my bf doing it or not trying to pursue a relationship.
just $.02 from a stranger.
I think one thing society has showed us is that being alone is a bad thing, BUT that simply isn't true.
People get it in their head that they need someone to be complete, that isn't true, it doesn't have to be.
Sex is nothing.
People, if sex is the only thing thats on your mind then good for you, but you're probably not worth much more than that.
Hey Erik,
You're right about people bashing your BF. If you dont know someone personally then dont pass judgement.
If my friends were in the situation you are describing (and this all sounds very familiar to me) I'd be asking them one primary question - Do you still love him? Because at the end of they day thats really all that matters.
lol because I posted with every entry and wont be satisfied until you post on mine (hint hint), I hope it works out for you. You seem like you are in love but live for you. You wanna be a meth head? please, tired. You are smarter - at least do blow - you wont smell
its really easy to just walk away . . . its much much hard to work things out.
your a better person then i thought you were
(that came out wrong but i hope you know what i mean)
Erik, in case this futon thing is long term...I sleep on a shitty futon every night, it's much more bearablie if you put some pieces of wood under the matress. Although, it does make it harder to fold up into a couch...
Anywho, the single life...well, okay, I'll be upfront. It sucks. But sometimes its necessary. If you're worried about your self-control...well, keep your friends close, that's my advice. And remember the things you are worried about, that will help you control yourself.
Like I said before, there is no way this is the-end-all-be-all for you. Some day, if you really want it (and I think that you do) you'll find that guy who you can have that white picket fence with. If, by the time you're...oh, say, 55, and I'm 50 we're both still single, I volunteer. (Totally kidding, pretty sure I'm not your type. :P)
For the record, I could totally deal with the porn career. A job is a job, y'know? It comes with the package. I am positive I'm not the only one who feels that way. (And, I'm hoping not, because if there's guys out there who are truly okay with their bf being a porn star, then there must be guys out there who are truly okay with their bf being a dancer, right? :P) I don't think that being a porn star makes you a bad boyfriend, and I don't think expecting a lot of the people you date does either.
I actually completely agree with you about sex. It's extremely unimportant. I'm not in porn, so it isn't necessarily that. But you're absolutely right. I don't think this makes you a bad boyfriend.
Um...the Maury show? I guess I can see the appeal, but what about that new one with the cop? I think he used to be security on Jerry Springer? I forget what channel it's on, but...I mean, THAT looks fucking good. I haven't watched it yet...
The way you have to look at is this, is this a relationship you want to stay in. Can you feel safe in a relationship where you are feeling like you're trying to be controlled. You have to do what makes you safe. But, if it comes down to it you gotta do what makes you happy. Best of luck to you.
i've read your blogs on myspace and was a quiet reader and after reading this, we relate in a lot of ways, in aspects of dealing with depression, self-control, relationship ideaology.
it sucks that you and danny are fighting because no one wants to deal with constant confrontations with his parmour. I don't know, I feel the same way that sex is meaningless because if it's all physicality what happens when the body ages and all those shallow investments dissipate?
you should read my myspace blog because i felt the same way a year or two ago and it hasn't changed much from then. I don't know, it's dumb and kind of long-winded. well if you have the time some awkard 23 year old kid is feeling somewhat similiar to you.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=1300033&blogID=123821051&Mytoken=D2DD730E-9F9F-4289-8F47A1039929813B59999654
i honestly hope that you figure it out and things get better.
I love reading what you say. I'm glad you are staring to show others what is going on with you: the good and the bad because you're showing us who the REAL Erik Rhodes is.
You are not a bad person and you and your boyfriend (or ex) business is between y'all. none should tell you what to do.
You are an amazing guy and I'm looking forward to reading more about you!
:-D
Live life!
it's true he's not a bad person but if you love someone they shouldn't make you feel so bad and a relationship this rocky with such a manipulative person it's just not worth it. love shouldn't hurt there's ups and downs but not so much pain. and you're right sex isn't everything. as selfish as it may sound it's better to be truly happy. peace
You know, I am not one to ever really post comments on peoples things, but I read yor blog, and just felt compelled to. Most people that have commented have said "oh I know what you are going through" and all that, but I don't think they actually have. Maybe they have had shitty relationships, but I doubt many have and anything this extreme happen. I have. I was not on the recieving end, but I was the one that dished it out. It came out of no where, and I ended up hitting the guy I love more than anything. than having him lock me out of his house, and begging for someone to take me to the hospital. I almost ran into traffic to just end it all. I am not trying to make anyone pitty my situation or whatever, I am just saying that most people commented because they want you to comment back to them, so they can feel special, I however don't really know anything about you other that what I have read on your blog, and another. I just felt that we write similar, I was reading and I was like hey wait this is exactly how my blogs sound.
I know what it is like to be alone and do the drugs and partying and to slut it up. I went from meeting one guy sleeping with him only to be so disghusted that I coldn't talk to him, and meeting another guy and doing the same thing. Until I met the one guy that got me. And for almost our entire relationship I have spent countless days pushing him away. Until they gave me crazy pills, now I am all better. It's a viscous cycle that I can see my self going back to if things don't work out for us. A vicious cycle many or almost all gay men face.
Much success to you, in everything.
Dont know if you read these comments - a lot of people are wishing the best for you. Anyways since i dont think i have learned anything in my few years going up in the midwest that i can offer as advice, all i can say is check out the pnsexplosion if you have itunes. its a gay podcast that is pretty funny, especially the older episodes. i listen to it a lot to put a smile on my face when im not feeling so great - best of luck!
Holy Canoli! Like my mom used to say, I turn my back on you people for five minutes and look what happens. Erik, I am genuinely surprised and sympathetic. There are some incredibly controlling, self-centered and manipulative people in the world and you may have been living with one of them.
It's a New Year, so let's hope that this will be a happier chapter in your life. You deserve better and I hope big-time karma comes and pays a visit on hypocritical has-beens.
Damn, I want to be your boyfriend now, you sound like a great guy.
Everyone is looking for that someone. Give it some time bro. I hate hearing and sometimes everything does happen for a reason!
Um, i just started reading your blog today so bare with me if i'm digging up old memories or if you've already done something with your relationship.
My take on your situation is that sex does not make anything for any couple. It is a natural act that goes on between people who are in love. At least that's what it was originally intended for, but through time, it, as well as everything else in this world, has become perverted by someone invisible living here with us unfortunately. Sex is a part of the bonding process - it does not dictate or officiate the bonding process of your relationship. Now, since your career involves that, your bf has a right not to like what you're doing.
I would suggest leaving the industry and finding a job you hate temporarily while you educate yourself to a better job, regardless if you have someone in your life or not. This suggestion would work better if you were alone actually. You wouldn't have any distractions, but you would have to force yourself to commit to your betterment in your educating yourself to a better career. It's so much easier said than done, but buddy, i'm not here to make things easier nor am i here to tell you that they are because they aren't. Making your life better is not easy.
I read that you are one who cannot be without a companion. Being single is not bad. It allows you to focus on the most important person - you. Just know that there are people out there that love and care for you with their lives. Not everyone tells you they love you. When you find someone that tells you they love you after getting to know you for more than two years, that person is worth getting to know, trust, and love back. Be picky with your partner. I know you have standards for your partner; stick to them and wait for that person to come. In the mean time, you have your close friends and family to lean on. Those people are the people you should chill with. Anyways, i've rambled much too long here and you've probably already heard this advice, but i guess you can say it's a friendly reminder.
You may not believe in it, but prayer is powerful if what you ask for is done with a sincerity that is beyond what you can put forth, which is usually at your extreme low points. You have to learn to let go of the things you can't control and let Him take care of them. Don't waste energy worrying about stuff and don't waste energy doing stuff to forget your problems either. Conserve that precious energy toward your betterment.
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