So i threw myself to the wolves tonight and went to my first SCA meeting.
Let me tell you that i have not been so scared in a long time. Basically, I had the same feeling as walking into a gay bar for the first time. The sweating, the heart pounding out of my chest, the overwhelming thought to turn around and go home. Even with all that I didn't chicken out and the next min i was walking into the meeting.
As i entered room 212 my first thought was that i was in the wrong place. It kinda looked and smelled like i was in a homeless shelter. Living in New York you kinda can't avoid that urine aroma that plagues the streets, and let me tell you, either the guy next to me or in front of me smelled like he just pissed his pants after drinking colt 45 all night. Honestly, i thought to myself, that i couldn't bare it and it was enough of a reason to leave. But i stopped myself and told myself i needed to stop making excuses, if I'm gonna ever get help, it needs to start now or its just not gonna happen.
Well, unaware of the program, i happened to be starting my "recovery" of a 12 step program on the 11th step. (yay, almost done), The 11th step dealing with God and meditation.(Kill me now). In my head, i fought myself, "where do i draw the line"? This fucking piss smell, the god mumbo jumbo. I was in my own personal hell. But i stuck it out. (but i sware, i refuse to let this program force feed me belief in bullshit that i flat out refuse to believe in)
Anyways, I kept my mouth shut for the whole meeting and listened to everyone talk about there problems, the majority being obsessive about porn, others being addicted to hiring escorts. Now in the beginning of the meeting, a rule was given that during your talk with with group to please avoid talking about things that could trigger members to break there goals, what they called "acting out". I felt like if i said one word the room would explode with sexual tension. Disgusting bum sexual tension... that smelled like piss.
During most of the stories i caught myself screaming in my head "WOULD THIS GUY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP". One guy in particular i couldn't help giving him the finger behind the back of another member as he talked about how he was semi-famous and that leading a life in the eye of the public was hard when sexual addiction was being mentioned in the news. Maybe i was in the wrong room after all, maybe you had to be delusional also to be in this group? I just chalked it up to another fags leading out a fantasy life in his head like so many fags do.
I guess i did get something out of the meeting thou... the thought to start each day by meditating. When i wake up, don't turn on the TV and the computer and just get my thoughts and head together before diving into the stressful life that i lead. Basically turning myself on before turning on some else (ha, no pun intended, not really)
I was also asked to go to another, "beginners" meeting tomorrow night. If i go, i will honestly impress myself. Friday night... Jesus, why don't they just castrate me. Fucking Bastards. Well see, maybe if i go enough the brainwashing will kick in and i wont need that lobotomy after all.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
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18 comments:
The first meeting, like any initial step, is always the hardest. The best meetings for newcomers in the city are:
Fridays 5:45pm at the Center
Saturdays 6pm at the Center
Those two meetings are where you can find a temporary sponsor to help you out. I look for someone who's completed all the twelve steps and has some years of sobriety. Other beginner ones are:
Mondays 8:15 at St. Ignatius
Tuesdays 6:15 at St. Veronica's
Wednesdays 7pm at GMHC
Thursdays unfortunately don't have beginners meetings. And, if you go tomorrow night it's early enough to still go out and an even better way to kick off the weekend.
You don't have to decide if you're a sexual compulsive or not but keep in mind what you hear at meetings. There's always some individual you'll personally get allergic to in any and every place or situation.
Get a copy of the meeting list and the literature. The SCA book is a good start. It's often been said that prayer is talking to god, while meditation is listening to god. Whether you'll meditate tomorrow or not, at least listening to other sexual compulsive has you considering some little action steps of change.
HEY MAN, I am proud of you. You are doing things to help yourself and thats fantastic. You need the "YOU" time. It is awesome that you had the initiative to dive in and try to get yourself in the place you want to be. KEEP IT UP BUD! I am sure there will be some hateful messages posted, but dont let the haters fuck you up... you are an awesome man and are starting on the road to wonderful things!
whoa!
look at you! I'm glad you are putting yourself before others. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and from here it will get better!
were here for you champ!
take care and good luck with the success!
<3 JUAN!
Congratulations. You are doing a good thing. (And you can always say you remember the first meeting whenever you smell the stench of urine.)
No one can force you to believe or do something you don't want to. Take what you can from the discussions and stress the other stuff later. Talking with and listening to others can be a pain in the ass...but it can also help a great deal. Every so often they touch upon something that hits home and they help you attack it from another angle...well...that or they give you a chance to catch a quick nap.
Either way...congrats.
Try to stay with it. I’ve been through meetings like that (sans the urine smell). It’s tough but it does help. You might also want to consider a private therapist. That’s how I worked through most of my issues. I would recommend a lesbian therapist to limit any inappropriate attraction. Plus I remember your story about getting cruised by a therapist.
You might also think about meds to help you get started. There are several antidepressants that help with compulsivity.
OK, I'm going to be the un-PC one who encourages you to have reservations about the God bullshit.
All that religious talk is why I'd never go anywhere near a twelve-step program -- even if I thought I needed help. The God b.s. is why rehab doesn't work for so many people. You can't count on someone who doesn't exist to affect change in your life. If you "surrender to a Higher Power" you're giving up responsibility for your own behavior.
If you have have a problem with all the God talk, you should try looking for a program that doesn't drag religion into the equation. They do exist.
It was because of this blog that I too decided to go to my first meeting this week. After reading and talking with some people, I realize that my sex addiction is a power greater than myself. I’m not sure if I believe in God but I definitely be know the Devil. It has clearly shown itself in my compulsion. Although I cannot stand some of the people, I feel happy to have found Sexual Compulsives Anonymous because I hated what I was doing to myself even more.
I read somewhere...
"You cannot significantly change your life, for better or worse by manipulating the material world. Not by working harder, not by studying longer, not by schmoozing, not by sweating, not by fasting, not by the hair of your chinny, chin, chin.
But change, great change, is escapable, when you first begin manipulating the world of your
thoughts, which weigh a lot less than material things anyway.
It’s that simple."
Meditation is a good start, but why take advice from me? Or any of us?
Whats the real point of all this...
Your looking for something... do you know what it is?
12 step programs are like cults. The insistence on finding your relationship with God does not work for people who just don't believe. I would suggest getting a private therapist to work things out and hopefully you have people that care enough to support you.
HEY CONNELL..... Let's talk fucker.... God doesnt hate as you stated in one of your sorry attempts to drag him down..
You are a prime example of whats wrong with the gay community well no actually ALL people today. You are a sorry and pathetic excuse for a human being. He is out there trying to better himsel, yet you and your "friend" have to tear him down for making it public... He is trying to work through addictions that he has and is being public about it whereas most people do it in shame and hide it. I for one am glad that he uses writing a blog as a form of self therapy... he is an awesome person, but all you see is what he has done in the way of work for the past few years. YOU, sir, are the loser here....
You talk shit because he focuses on the stench of urine... he was nervous and scared and these things stood out... he was giving us an idea of what it was like and what was running through his head.
WHy are you so fucking hateful? He is far from an arrogant person, and he doesnt think hes better than anyone. Jesus... why dont you and your friend meet me somewhere and we can "talk", trust me... the 2 of you wont have much negative to say ever again after meeting me..... that I put on my mothers grave.... I feel that IN YOUR case... gay bashing would be VERY appropriate...
Well, it is apparent that I am now the obsession of Connell who has now even been calling my cell phone in a pathetic attempt to further is connection with me. Unlike all other stalkers of mine he did not block his number so that, when his obsession becomes out of control, which it looks like it has already, I have that nice number saved on my phone that leads right back to him. So thanks for being stupid. I guess you obsession clouded your better judgement on that one, dummy.
As for the SCA program, i would have to say that i agree most with Richard. I just feel like the whole Religon aspect is like making God the scapegoat for my actions. I think finding someone that can guide me to inner peace without labeling it a higher power, is what i need. I still think i'm gonna attend meetings until it becomes like the feelings i have when i sit in church. Basically the thought that this is all croc of shit and its not for me.
I'm skeptical about the God thing. I mean God is probably too busy to deal with other billions of people on Earth anyways. If this is a job for God, boy he must be making a big buck.
I agree with richard totally. There has to be a group out there that doesn't involved in God. But at least you throw yourself out of your comfort zone for the time being. Congrats.
Eric,
When I first heard you had a blog, I figured it might be some sort of advertising ploy by Falcon like bratboyschool was for ginch gonch.
Of course, this was before I read any of the entries. If any of this is truly fake or just a great idea to sell videos, I guess you'll have the last laugh.
But I don't really think it's fake.
I'd venture to say that most gay men are sexual compulsives on some level. We're taught by society to feel weird about our sexual desires, which only perverts them and makes us more desperate to have a true experience. Within our own subculture, we're taught that "nature's first green is gold" and that you may as well kill yourself at 30 or join a gay men's chorus. We have to face a reality that there is a real chance we could be infected with a deadly disease by engaging in sex that does at least something to fulfill us. At the end of all of that, we can't even bank on monogamy with the advent of manhunt.net and the philosophy of "open relationships" that so many gay guys of our generation see as inevitable. What a great life. Glad I signed up.
I think getting out of porn and getting on with your life is a reality, but you have to know that doing so for any relationship seems like a bad idea. Can you really say that any of your recent boyfriends have had good intentions for you when you started dating? Can you really say that even the best of them weren't making a play to be in your life just to have a great story, just to have a myspace photo-souvenir, or just to swipe a little piece of you to take away with them on their way out just because you're "Erik Rhodes"? Probably not. What's more, can you really say that any of the people flying to support or defend you on the internet are not doing so in the hopes that they'll have a similar opportunity to rub up against you, to say they've been there, to file the image of your face-during-orgasm away in their memory because you were someone they masturbated to for years? It seems that even when gay men are trying to be empathetic or compassionate, we can't help but wonder how great it would be to snatch up the mid-grief-newly-single because they're bright and shiny, or an idol of some kind, in your case.
It sucks that our lives as young gay guys are primarily about going to the gym and having sex. We want to be as beautiful as possible so that we'll never risk rejection. We have sex compulsively to prove to ourselves that we are beautiful, to distract us from the fact that we're terrified to end up alone or as an ornamental boyfriend, and to keep people at a distance by showing them that even when they are inside us, they are so far away.
You know what happens to people with perfect faces and bodies? They become everyone's property and feeling used makes you want to use others. When no one rejects you, you'll never be denied, and then suddenly you're in a relationship with another perfect-ace/perfect-body who is looking over your shoulder at another perfect-face, ready to pounce on them should they grow bored or angry with you. Or, because of the way probability works, you get a disease. Hopefully, the odds are in your favor.
You say you can't fathom the idea of living a normal life and working a day job. That's understandable, considering you're used to being paid handsomely for being handsome and feeding your addiction. If you want your life to be anything other than what it is now, if you want to escape the fate of selling yourself, selling drugs, or ending up homeless, you need to bite the bullet and start taking classes at a community college, or get regular job. Seeing how the general public flounders through life this way is no way appealing, but misery loves company and maybe you'll find some normal friends.
If these SCA meetings make you feel better, you should keep going, but the God stuff doesn't have to be something you swallow to make salvation certain. Change sucks and we're all dealing with the quarter-life crisis, not just pornstars.
Chances are, if you're afraid of something, you should do it, if it means there's any chance it could lead you away from your current situation. I don't know anything, really, but I've had friends in similar situations. I've been freaking out for a year myself because I have no idea what to do with my life. But if there are bad elements in your life keeping you from being happy, you need to shed all of them, even if it means leaving behind people you loved or trusted.
Maybe the answer for you isn't "serenity now" or "god, grant me the blah blah blah to blah blah blah", but there is one that will work. It sort of has to, right?
starting the day with some quiet contemplation has helped me out quite a bit. take care.
I'm REALLY proud of you for almost everything you said in this post! (Except the flicking the guy off and such, although I totally don't blame you. :P)
Good luck, fella
Recovery is a bear.'God' is optional, truly. Also, please look into the concept of anonymity as you discuss your adventures in sobriety on the internet.
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