Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Marilyn Manson and answering some more questions

Tonight was fucking Amazing!

I just got back from the Marilyn Manson show at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Like i said it was amazing. It was also a great stress reliever. I spent half the night in and around the pit, throwing kid around and just going nuts. At one point i would say i was less than a foot anyway from the man himself. I tried my best to catch a feel, but i just missed, I'm a total groupie. My friend took over 200 pics so look for some of them on my myspace. (www.myspace.com/erikrhodesxxx)

1. You said you have a twin and have been out awhile. Who was your first time with and what was it like? Have you and your brother ever messed around with the same guy?
I do have a twin brother but he is not gay and no we have never messed around. My first time with a guy was when i was 21 and the guy was honest to god a mexican dishwasher who worked at a place Coyote Loco. He fucked me on the floor of the resturant after it was closed. It was disgusting to say the least. I went home took a long shower and sleep close to my GF. I swore off ever having sex with men again, cuz that was just so gay. In about 3 months after the awful experience, i need it again, so i went back to the dishwasher since he was the only guy i knew.

2. Michael Lucas and others in the industry were mentioned. What advice would you give someone who is considering becoming a pornstar?
Well i get people asking me if they are good enough to be a porn sgtar all the time on myspace and its really not for me to say. The majority of the time the guys are busted, but are clueless of there looks. And if i say, "dude, your gross look in the mirror", then i'm the bad guy for trying to tell the truth. So i tend not to say anything and dismiss the emails. But if they are relatively good looking i try to tell them that maybe porn isnt the right option, and suggest normally modeling. But i also say that it is not my choice, its there's. People are gonna do what they want anayway, and i'm not gonna stop anyone. We all need to learn from our mistakes.

3. Erik Rhodes seems to be at the top of his game. Why are you leaving porn?
Yeah, ummm, my popularity is pretty high at the moment. Just tonight at the manson concert, i was approached by 5 people who knew who i was. But i'm not responding well to it. The thought of having fans has always been a weird concept to me and still is. One fan tonight came up to me and said "can i have a pic, i'm obcessed wityh you" , in which my friend responded to me. "I wish i got that just once in my life" in which i responded, "i wish it would just go away". I dont wanna be doing porn also until no one wants to see me anymore and i can't book a job. I wanna be able to quit on my own terms.

4. A lot of your blog has been about your challenges with sex and drug addictions. When were you happiest?
I have never been really happy, i have fought depression for along time. Sometimes its worse than other times. Right now its pretty fucking bad. But i just try and look forward, pretending to see that time when i'm happy again, its the only thing that keeps me going.

5. Since this part of your life identifies you very visibly. Where do you see yourself in the future?
I have no clue, i dont predict a happy ending. I dont see a silver lining. I do think its gonna be either of the extremes... my successful and happy or dead. I dont see any inbetween.

6. Another retiring pornstar Jenna Jameson wrote a book. Based on her title, how can I have sex like a pornstar?
Get a bunch of cameras and fill the room with a bunch of people you would hope weren't there. Find a semi- attrative guy that look half way butch until he opens his mouth. Have sex for anywhere from 6 to 12 hours or until the only thought going through your head is wishing the person your "working with" would die a bloody painful death. Go back to your cheap hotel and take a bath until you think you get his smell off you, go out that night and fuck again in in a desprerate attempt to make yourself feel better about the awful sex you had all day. Then write a book about it.


DAVID said...

Thanks for answering the questions!

Sasha said...

Seriously...i'm kinda sad you're leaving the porn industry or whatever industry. But then again, maybe quitting while you're on top is still a good idea. Gonna miss ya!

Sasha said...

Btw...when i read ur blog, i kinda can relate myself a bit to ya. i'm depressed everyday but i try to make myself happy. I don't usually like to tell people how i feel inside or tell people about my problems as i feel that my problems are my own and i should be the one to handle it alone...i hate being alone and depressed. Seeing other people happy makes me jealous and angry..cause i wish i could be like them too..

sitboubousit said...

I can bet my str8 ass your gonna be one of those pioneers that brings something new to popular America. a porn star turned pop star. I can almost smell it.
Erik everyones gonna want a piece of you... no pun indended. Make the right choices, this blog was one of them.
Is Erik the new Jenna? But most importantly is Erik the new Brad?
Your breaking down walls. A porn star that can think? a porn star with feelings? whhhatttt?! People are getting tired of the same ol' shit we see in rag mags, and they're ready for something shockingly new. I say focus on blogging and focus remixing songs. i loved what i read/heard to far. You wanna get out of the porn business i say use it to your advantage cause u certainly cant beat it.

sitboubousit said...

sasha.. no ones really happy, the faster you learn that the better. Everyone has their demons. trustme

Denham Fouts said...

1. Besides the obvious differences of sexual orientation with your twin, what are some similarities you both share? What is the rest of your immediate and extended family like?

2. It great that you had a good time at the concert. What shapes your taste in music? What are some of your favorite television shows and movies? What are you currently reading?

3. There have been a lot of challenges in your dating and relationships recently. When you also answered the having sex like a porn star question, it also didn’t sound like a pretty picture. How do you make love, not sex, after an experience like that?

4. It seems easier to define sobriety in AA and NA. You mentioned sexual compulsion. After looking at the website of Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, how do you define acting out? What is on your sex plan? How do stay sober? What have the first steps been like?

5. Suicide seems to be a theme in the blog. I feel awkward asking this but I will. Beyond your work, how do you want to be remembered?

Sasha said...

Well...right..no one is happy in this world.. i guess people are getting miserable everyday whether they are happy or not...btw, erik, its great that u love marilyn manson too! he's one of my favourite artist and i listen to him when i wanna be a bad ass or go crazy! :P

Sal said...

i have to say i'm becoming a bigger fan of your writing than your work in skin flicks. and not just because you're falling to pieces which isn't the appeal more because it's an authentic telling of your life and not just the annoying kind of blogs we get from other people. you have a candor and honest voice that only someone who has lived your life can. i'm becoming all the more engrossed and excited for an update. again not to see how broken you've become but because i want to read what you have to say and how you say it. it's great Kudos to you.

William said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
comicsfan said...

Depression isn't something to fuck with--and it's not something to tackle on your own, because you're only dealing with your perspective and not getting any real feedback. If it's permeating your blog like it is, then maybe it's past time to seek out professional help with it.

Talk with someone. You seem like someone who wants to make an effort to enrich your life--but that's going to be difficult when you're dealing with something that's always bringing you down. Take those first steps and start the process. Just doing that will lift some of the weight you feel on your shoulders. :)

JT said...

I'll confess that I've never seen one of your films...I'm pretty out of the video porn loop. I do love pictures of naked men, though, and you're a fine example of a naked man.

Comicsfan is right about depression. Reading some of your comments leaves me scared. I don't know you and will probably never meet you, but I feel fear because no person should have to feel the way you do. I've been on antidepressants for several years and I can honestly say that they saved my life. I have a lot to live for, Mr. Rhodes, and you do too. You might find that there is an "in between" 'twixt happy and dead.

Connell said...

But for the unquiet heart and brain
A use in measured language lies;
The sad mechanic exercise
Like dull narcotics numbing pain.

- Alfred Tennyson

Bad Girl said...

I'm with Comicsfan and JT:

You *need* to speak with someone (again, more likely than not a shrink) about your depression.

No one HAS to be depressed, and it needn't be a lifestyle choice (to live with depression). The stigma attached to seeing a shrink and/or being on medications is long gone.

You don't need to walk through life feeling as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders, or that you can't do anything about it or that suicide is even an option.

Get help, dude, please.

Dean said...

Hey Bro,

Been reading your blog and gotta say man it reads like so many lives of gay men I know. Yes putting your thoughts and life out there for the public to witness and to better understand you is an extremely brave thing for you to do. I have left you a messege on your myspace not too long ago, wasnt' going to leave a messege on here but you haven't read it yet. Anyway Bro, your going through all this turmoil in your life trying to really find yourself and where you fit in. Shit all of us are! Just saying bro, you are definately not alone in your feelings of depression and so on. Have you ever thought about going back to school and training for another career? I am sure you could do that and accomplish whatever it is you set your sights on and find that happiness that seems to be just out of your reach. Its there bro. Please keep up your blog, its very theraputic for you and as for myself, I enjoy reading it.

Take care and keep your chin up.

Propaganda said...

Hey Erik,
Been reading this blog for a while and wondered if you had studied english or anything? Your writing is filled with meaning and a honesty rarely found on the interweb nowdays.
I'm sure some people will be dissapointed that you are seeking out other professions for the future, but the industry you're in sounds kinda shallow and destructive. Good luck with your endeavours in finding another occupation. Maybe you should consider writing lyrics or a novel?

Porn Biatch said...

Erik, have you found yourself yet? Where was yourself hiding? Do you think your unfound self will hug yourself or try to punch his fucking face in for not showing sooner? Let a biatch know. Adore you.

Marc said...

Thanks for your honesty, Erik. It sounds like getting out of the industry is the best thing for you. Glad you had a good time at the concert -- sounds like you can use more times like that.

Adriano said...

Hey there,

I'm been away for the last few days... And all I can say is: man, you're really helping us sll!! When I first came across you blog I was amased by your words: no glam; no it's-so-hot-to-fuck-stranges-all-day-long-and-get-paid-to-do-that kinda shit we use to hear.
You're just trying to find yourself like we all do. Life is not perfect, by the way it's a horrible experience most of the time. But we can't afford to use crutches 'cause they're never strong enough. And you, despite all you've been through, know that now!
We're not alike( I mean I'm not famous; I don't have a killer body; I don't have fans...) I'm just a average guy, who does't have a clue of this shit and now you make me change my perspective about a lot of things... In the end we're all the same: lone boys who pray to meet someone to help us through it all. A meaning to this mess.
I'm glad to see you trying to find your way. You know your crutches and it's up to you get rid of them at you own time (I guess I'm starting to write to myself now...). Whenever you need, you know you have a lot of ears to listen to your words, better eyes to read them. Even though most of us don't and will never meet you, we all get connect some how. And strangers are better listeners to our dark words.
It's not the hunger for other people's mess that make me come here (now I can only speak for myself). It's just the way, as sasha said, I relate to it all. And talk or write as much as you need. At least for me it helps...
Still acting a little bit silly and always wishing you all the best! ;-)
See you around

IprobablyHateYou said...

Dear Nick's ex,

Wow you are SO famous...that i didn't even know your name til this blahahahag!

Tragic fags want to take pictures with you at a Maryln Manson aka has been poser concert.

Dude don't highlight lame shit like this and if you are so famous wouldn't you be invited backstage by Marlyn?....OH WAIT...no cause the only people who know yo are socially retarded fags who can't get laid unless they watch porn.

I'm a huge fan of your trainwreck!!

Go with god and stop talking about me to people...it's not becoming of you.



sngarey said...

that's the gayest shirt in the world.

DCTwistedLife said...

The answer to your first question sort of raised many red flags... it seems that your relationship with sex has always been somewhat unhealthy and compulsive.

(You dont have to answer this to me/us if you dont want- but perhaps take the time to think about these things on your own.....)....

What is it that drove you to seek out sex in such a way (with the mexican guy)?... Did you come from an unaccepting family? Do you/did you have internalized homophobia? And if so, how did you deal with getting into porn- was it sort of traumatic to you? What was your main motivation for getting into the industry?

You've mentioned being depressed for an extended period of time. Can you say with any amount of certainty if you are any more happy or depressed than you were when you started porn? And...lastly, longstanding depression is often a sign of chemical issues in the brain. Millions of people suffer with this, and anti-depressants CAN help quite a bit, perhaps you should consider speaking with a psychiatrist for medicine if counseling or other therapies dont help. (PS There's no shame in that- I took them for two years, got my shit together and I am happier than ever.)

I think it might do you very well to think about these things and look inside and see how your past has molded you into the person you are today.

I also think that you might be happier once you just make the decision to leave the world of porn. Don't look back- clearly, it's not what you want and it doesnt seem like there are many people who you will miss because you count them as true friends.

For now, start with small goals that you want to achieve FOR YOU. If you dont know what they are, sit down and think about things you are interested or skillful in. You must have a lot of contacts and you seem like you have plenty of potential in other careers. Even if you have to work some random job for a while- just to move on from the unhappiness or emptiness that you are experiencing now...

As for dating, men and relationships... you need not fear being alone forever. You appear to be full of emotions and wanting to be monogamous (which is healthy and positive). You are active and attractive. The right guy will come along eventually- it takes patience and confidence to realize and accept this happily. It might be best for you to focus on YOU first- before trying to bring another person full of personality, emotions, quirks and possible issues into your life.

Just my 25 cents for today. Take care.

Erik Rhodes said...

Oh, Rocco, your nice, your not... and i'm the one with the issues? Lets get one thing straight also, I have no clue who you are and nor do i care.
So lets make up a pretend conversation about me talking about you to someone...

ME: "Hey (insert name here), wow can you believe that jerk Rocco that posts on my blog?

Person: "No, Should i care?"

ME: "Oh, yeah, umm, i guess not, cuz i really dont care either"

Person: "Why are we even having this conversation?"

ME: "I have no clue, sorry"

Your silly little ego about posting on a blog that isnt even your is out of control. Just stop.

IT IS WHAT IT IS said...


Robert said...


Good that you enjoyed yourself last night at the concert. The depression is something you have to work through your own way, in your own time. Anyone who has a problem with how you're living through it / trying to ditch it has their own shit to deal with and they're projecting it on you. Just push it aside.

Think about other positive distractions like the concert that you really enjoy...REALLY enjoy. The more of these you have, the more ammunition you have against the depression. If the meetings work - go, if not - look for something else. They work for some and not for others.

The most important thing is to bring happiness to you, the way you brought that hot guy to you. Standing around waiting for happiness is like expecting expecting that hot guy to read your mind from Jersey. Good luck.

Know you have a friend just up the river rooting for your success. Love you every time you're on Derek & Romaine.


Gazer said...

Hey Big Guy,
Wanted to say something to make you feel a bit better but theres some awesome advice on here, so Im sending you out a big hug.
You got to get out of that town.
Matt from Oz.

Frank said...

Glad to hear you had an amazing time at the Marilyn Mansion show.I read most of your answers to some more questions from the last post.People will recognize you even when you retire.I know a guy that I see at the SF clubs who was like yeah I was that person at one time.Now that I got to know him,I call him by his real name.Some guys are comfortable,some aren't.Take care of yourself Erik.

J James said...

Nice picture! It looks like you had a great time at the concert.

djdavisla said...

hey, read the blog, its good , very good, los angeles here so used to seeig bullshit, but i see none here. so.......... if you are still interested in pleasing the "driveby crowd" you are doing a great job, you are a cool young guy, when its time for you , do the following. ( and no, i am not an ex druggie, alonon, aa, or any of that)i just had an experience 20 years ago in miami when i was a total hottie coming off cocaine and I work up in a really expensive hotel room... very depressed and suicidal, you cannot change things when your mind is not clear. i left that morning, people freaked, i just called a cab and went home to los angeles. last week, someone i saw off rentboy called and said he needed help, i said i would buy him a ticket home and i did, to new jersey, i know the feeling, anyway, get your mind clear then you know people come and go, so decided its you who is going to help you, you are a smart guy, i get that from your blog, if you like where you are, then you will stay there, it makes for great reading for the others, but i suspect you feel it, boredom , you just need to know where to go, and its discipline if you start to discipline yourself you will respect yourself and you don't now from what i read. that is step one. do things that you can do that will allow you to respect yourself. stop drugs, hanging with people who do not respect you or themselves. recreate yourself, you really might be worthit, even jsut to help others who might be looking at you and starting to follow your path, anyway, do that first, also when you are ready .. get a dog to take care of, and really take care of him, or her, and if you don't iwill come after you

Kenneth said...

You might want to check this Wiki site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia. You may not care about the particular flavor of your depression, but since I am a super, mondo mega-geek I thought you might like a clinical explanation. I’ve had it for a while and it is easily treated with medication and therapy. That’s it! You need therapy! Why didn’t anyone tell you that before? ;-P

Anyway, I’m glad you had fun the other night. Love ya, mean it, have your fax call my fax and they can do lunch.

CW said...

You have got to be the most selfish guy I've ever heard with all your whining and complaining. You have a great mind and an awesome body, yet all you do is feel sorry for yourself. How come there are thousands of average looking (even ugly) gay guys out there who are making a difference, raising kids, volunteering, and all the rest? They don't seem to have the time to play the "poor me, victim" game.

Read some of your own comments and then think about what some Black guy struggling in the ghetto would say. He sure as hell wouldn't be pitying his poor sorry situation. He would be out living life and not boo-hooing like a weak ass faggot. You make fags look like teary-eyed, limp-wristed, whimps.

You would never have survived the Marine Corps (or any other military branch for that matter). Look at all the stuff Marine Cpl Matt Sanchez has been through. He was a gay porn star, but do you see him whining like a little girl. No, he grew the fuck up and went on to achieve success.

Dan Glenn said...

I had the thought that you could be burning out your endorphines as it appears you move from real real highs, to real real lows. Or maybe your just bi-polar. Just a thought.

Anyway, I'm glad you got 'away' and had a good time at the concert (Like you care what I think anyway, right? I'm the no-body, your the big pornstar. Oops. I can be a bit harsh sometimes.).

In some ways my heart goes out to you. I certainly know what it's like to suffer from depression. For years I had thoughts of suicide while in the closet. Coming out was the best thing that happened to me. Yet, you are the iconic prize that most gay men would love to be, good looks, a big dick, and the ability to have sex for six to twelve hours, yet you piss it all away. Just goes to show you that those 'things' don't necesarrily make a person happy and so, I guess it is time you leave the industry, you take it all for granted anyway, rather than something to enjoy and relish, something to take pride in and learn from. Some day your looks will fade, your cock will need a constant IV drip of Viagra, and you'll loose the attention you have now. I certainly hope you don't look back on this time in your life with regret and longing. I do hope that you're able to move forward and find the happiness you deserve, but you're goin to have to fight for it. You're going to have to start working on the man on the inside.

There's an old saying, 'The people parish for lack of vision.' If you can't imagine yourself being sucessful and happy, how will you ever plan and prepare to get there. Or to put it another way, 'Don't dream it, be it.'

Aaron said...

The porn industry is a difficult business, it's not sexy, it's a job. You need to be emotionally stable and sure of what you want to do before you can "safely" work in it. One would hope you wouldn't become a psychologist if you were severely disturbed yourself, right ? (the truth is most do... and it's an irony of life that good attracts bad and being a school teacher is the ultimate position for a paedophile... who else is going to work for such bad pay and long hours? haha :( )

Although the loss of Erik Rhodes in the electronic world will be a shame, it'll be an even bigger shame if you continue living in a world of darkness. You need to get out of your environment, go somewhere new, different, away from those who are creating an environment that saps the happiness out of you, that leads you to make choices that will ultimately hurt you.

Depression's not easy, I don't suffer from it, but I've seen the effect it's had on my friends... and my mom. One of my friend's is amazing... he instructs people to fly light aircraft and he looks incredible (modeled quite a bit at one stage), he always seems to have a smile on his face and people love him. Very few people know how badly he suffers from depression and how many times he's hurt himself, either through self-hate or through half-attempts. People love him so much and yet it makes no difference.

It's a continuous battle. It's kinda like being gay in that, someone who doesn't suffer from it doesn't understand it, and with that you'll get people who say stuff like "oh you're just looking for attention".

The world, the universe is all about sex... it's amazing, everything is about continuing... procreation, so that your genes will continue, statues, monuments, evolution, putting your name in wet cement or carving it on a tree... prosperity. I guess being gay takes that and throws it down the toilet.

A gay man has no use in this universe, his genes probably won't continue (damn this is depressing lol), unless through artifical insemination and he'll probably get rejected quite a bit (by society, by friend, by parents, by himself).

I think the trick is to take the bull by the horns; realise and accept that life is about sex and then decide to not dwell on it. I know... it's easier said than done, especially if you're depressed. *shrugs* concentrate on other things... physical activities are fun :) .

Some people find new life in religion, I don't think that's a great idea, because you'll probably never break free from it. You and a virus of the mind... in a symbiotic relationship, an advanced coping mechanism. Similarly a partner and various drugs are all coping mechanisms, they just land up making you feel worse when you don't have them anymore... when they turn on you (not all partners do, but most will and when they do (if they do) you need to be ready).

erm... yar... there's nothing wrong with having lots of sex as long as you don't become obsessed with it, and not becoming obsessed with something applies to a lot of stuff. Become obsessed with hiking and you'll be alone your whole life.

Having a balance in your life is both extremely difficult but ultimately rewarding.

Maybe you can get away from your fame by working in an obscure African country... or an island somewhere.

Wish I could say something to help.
I've enjoyed reading your blog (yes, you're life as you've represented it on here is interesting) and I hope you stick around for a while to keep updating it :P .

The dishwasher sex was funny :) .

jakey said...

I'm a twin too! And my twin isn't gay either, and I find it a very annoying question. I am glad my twin is not gay because twins are naturally very competitive. But on a serious note, I think it's only a small characteristic about what we are as people. End soapbox.

LUCIEN said...

nice shirt and nice muscles underneath. What gym do you do?
I used to go to and know a trainer at 19th St Gym when I lived there who was a good good trainer.

touchyou said...

Wow. Your response to Question #6 is powerful stuff.

Tomás Davitt said...

the answer to question 6 is awesome

SecretAdmirer said...

Hello Erik,

I just recently came across some of your movies. I've never seen your moves before. To be honest, you are very attractive. Something about you let me look you up on the internet. I read from one of you blogs that you hate porn. If it doesn't make you happy, let do something else that make you happy. I don't see why you can live you life doing something that make you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy, I think you should at least stop doing what you hate. Well, I wish you all the best.


Carlo said...

I used to be very summerged in depression, i tried everything..... I'm free from that... let me know if you really want to stop this depression and I'll tell you what I did.

Erik Rhodes said...

First off, I just want to let you know that you and your boyfriend are so hot together. If you guys ever want to have a threesome I'm ready, willing, and, able. Second, you have the most perfect body that I have ever seen. Your dick is so hot I would let you do naughty things to me with it. Third what is your favorite sex position? and would you rather bottom or top?