Well, someone just asked me if i had a blog. I said "no, persoanlly i dont think anyone honestly cares enough about what i have to say to waste my time". They responded, "you would be surprised". So what the fuck, i dont have much of a life beyond myspace and the gym, maybe this will give me something else to do with my painfully boring life.
So i guess here we go,
I start this blog right in the middle of one of the most depressing times in my life. ( I feel like i say that all the time). Its not just one thing, its so many things, i dont know where to begin. I guess the first and main reason, would be my failing relationship. This is basically due to my job. My bf wants me to quit porn right now when i was planning on giving up this job after my contract was up with falcon in say alittle over 8 months. I was giving up the job to start a normal life with my bf and also due to the fact i dont wanna be one of those porn stars that are in it until it doesnt want them anymore. Seriously, in my somewhat short career i have fucked and been fucked everyway possible, what else is there to see? (well, beside a 2girls1cup ripp off video, which is just not gonna happen). Anyway, the bf cant wait the 8 month and the couple more scenes that i'm gonna do and whats me to quite now, which is basically throwing me to the wolves. I really didnt plan this life out well and dont have a goddamn thing to fall back on. Besides the fact i haven't had a real job in over 5 years and dont really know how to take orders from anyone. Oh, and the thought of working a whole hour for say 10- 15 bucks, i honestly cant grasp that concept.
Now this isnt a pity blog, like "oh feel bad for me". Cuz i did this shit to myself and knew it would happen sooner or later, i just didnt think it would be now. I also thought since my BF was a fan of mine before hand he wouldnt throw ultimatumuns my way due to my job. But here i am, doing what i do best, Just getting fucked in the ass.
So i guess there is my delema. Do i throw away my relationship, with my controlling bf to just continue to do what i know best and ride out my last couple years of life, semi happy and single or do i start new, working some job i hate, for someone that i dont think even loves me, someone that just loves to control me. I think another delema, is that fact that even if we last a couple years and do eventually break up, i cant turn around a go back and start over. "OH God, it was a mistake, i wanna go back!!!!" Fuck, i dont know if playing happy hopusewife is the life i wanna lead anyways. All i know is that i have regretted so many of the choices i have made in this life i'm sure whatever i choose, i'll always regret not going the other route. Isn't that how it always works out anyways.
Quote for this blog:
"Someday? Someday my dream will come? One night you will wake up and discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you. It never will. Suddenly you are old. Didn't happen, and it never will, because you were never going to do it anyway. You'll push it into memory and then zone out in your barco lounger, being hypnotized by daytime TV for the rest of your life." ~Vincent (Tom Cruise in Collateral)
Now that you've found it, it's gone. Now that you feel it, you don't. You've gone off the rails.
You could never work well with our group, Not with the faults we found. So we've fixed you with cement galoshes, And no one can save you now. Unless you have friends among fish, There’ll still be no air to breathe. You could drink up the entire ocean,We’ll still find someone to be everything we know that you’ll never be. ~Jesse Lacey
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15 comments:
Ah, Erik...you really are in a tough spot from the sound of things! I'm sorry to hear that things with your boyfriend are going so poorly.
I just had a few thoughts that might help you out, or might not, you never know.
First of all, boyfriend or no, you don't sound happy being a porn star, so the question is: do you want to stick it out for eight more months?
Secondly, you said you're not very good at taking orders...so what's with the controlling bf? You're allowed to give ultimatums too, y'know.
Anyways...I hope you figure things out soon! You don't deserve to be miserable, you're a good guy. :)
hey stud, wow first and foremost let me just say that ur in control of ur life and u r aware of that, don't let it slip away because that is something ur choosing,, people forget that they r the leading actor in the movie of their life, so fuck u got dealt shity cards one after another, think of the hands u did win, porn does not define ur life my motto is if u hate it now maybe it is a sign that ur growing and ur no longer the same person u were when u first started doing porn, got into the relationship etc... the list can go on and on, and i do disagree, with u on 2 other things, people should care, cuz people play important roles in others lives its just very few times do we say it, no decision or life is less than another, and ur not in as dark of a place a u think, the storm shall pass, people say this shit all the time but very few actually learn the meanings behind it, welcome to the next level of ur life, and surprisingly enough i know a slight bit of what ur going through because i passed something similar a couple months ago, but for what is worth thanks for the words and thank u for making me see the light when i was in those times, i never told u because i don't know u enough to think u would care, but i didn' have to, long story i hope to share with u one day. chin up bro, everything that is fucking u by the ass now is only living u room for something and something better coming ur way, i can asure u of that, just try asking me why I say that... that is the first step....take care....
laters,
adrian
You have to find what will make you happy and do it. Make yourself happy first, and it will reflect in your personal relationships as well. Take care of you first.
Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. Good luck.
You should do whats in YOUR best interest.
Honestly i can see how your bf would dislike what you're doing right now but he should at least let you get your shit together first.
Do it for yourself.
Congrats on your first blog. Thanks for providing the link on your myspace page. Keep doing that. Anyway, as to your problem. Talk to the bf, reason with him that you are planning to quit in 8 months, remind him that he knew what he was getting into when he met you. Try to find a compromise. I mean this could be the one for you. As for work, have you thought about working behind the scenes in the industry. Maybe you have picked up a few tricks while on camera. Think about it. I wish you luck.
I know you don't ask for sympathy or feel bad for you, but the truth is, that is life. It's not fair, and it's definitely not heaven. We all go through same shit on different level. It's hell.
The keyword in a relationship is "Respect". "Compromise" is not in my dictionary of relationship (when it comes to what you do), because its too risky at the end. Both party will get hurt. You know what I mean.
It's your own life. You're the one who controls it. Everyone can tell you what to do but that's just an advice. You're the one who makes the final decision and executes it. Because you're living a life for yourself, not for others.
There are times that you felt you're lost. We are happily to guide you through, and in the future, eg: tomorrow, next month, next year, 3-year, we will see a happy Erik Rhodes.
Congrats on the first blog post :)
Hello Erik,
Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time right now. Here are some other questions you may or may not have asked yourself:
1. What if you do break your contract early with Falcon? Will they fine you or sue you?
2. What if they offer you some ridiculous bonus for signing on again? (You can only do this while you're young!)
3. What kind of jobs are you looking at that don't just give the $10-$15 an hour you talk about?
4. What about behind-the-scenes work with Falcon?
5. Can your boyfriend support you and him while you're out of work, or can you guys still support your current lifestyle?
I'm sure there are other questions you could ask yourself before you make a decision. Hopefully you two can come to a happy medium! Good luck!
Sorry about hearing that you are getting bored.
You got all package and feel bored, Tell me I didn´t get anything, my look is awful. I am the ugliest man in earth. So...
Boy I hope you get better and give us more action with the piece of meat you have between your legs and the hole you have between your cheeks
Erik, it's really disheartening for me to see someone with so much going for him always feeling so worthless and shitty. You are so amazing, and I wish and hope you will realize that!!!!!
I'm with g_cracker: do you want to stick it in porn out for 8 more months? You've been tired of this racket for some time now, and no offense, but it has been showing lately in your performances. If you're going to quit in 8 months anyway, why not just leave Falcon behind sooner than that and start to make some changes in your life? When porn becomes your entire existence and begins to damage the rest of your life outside of the biz, it's time to quit. And reflecting back on your other blogs, it's long overdue. But the choice is yours, I'm just giving my two cents.
You could always view the boyfriend demanding you quit as a step in a positive direction, that he has such strong feelings for you he wants you in a monogamous relationship without outside sex acts. But still, you are indeed a grown man who should make his own decisions, not be subservient to someone else's wishes. But the thing is this: you want to leave porn anyway, right? Well, if you and he both agree here, what's the hold up? QUIT PORN! It wouldn't be because he wants you to, it would be because YOU want to, and you have for a while now!
Post-porn, have you considered going back to school? You're only a year older than me, and I'm still working on getting my degree. It's certainly the first step in the path to a more lucrative and lasting career. You definitely have options, my friend. You don't have to fit into a box of what you boyfriend wants you to be, what your family wants you to be, what SOCIETY wants you to be. Stay clean, be confident, and feel better!
Dear Friend,
I read your blog last night before going to bed, and it’s been haunting my thoughts all morning. I’ve been wrestling between really giving less shit about your problems, and the reality that your blog “Slipping Away” is a real cry for help.
I’ve got to know something. Why are you asking people who don’t even know you, what to do with your life? Don’t you have someone you can trust 100% ? The answer is yes. That person is you, but unfortunately I don’t think you don’t know who you are anymore.
I’ve been where you’re at, although in a completely different way. It’s easy to let friends, family, work, or boyfriends tell us who we are and who we should be. I imagine you have that pressure intensified because of all the fans, and celebrity image that people imagine you to be as Erik Rhodes.
I just want to encourage you to not be afraid to step out on your own, learn to love yourself without the “stuff,” and get to know the kid you were before all this. Having a real job isn’t the end of the world, and you just might be a happier/healthier guy for it.
I want you to try something really random and go visit this center in NYC:
http://www.ny.shambhala.org/
Sign up for a beginner class in meditation and get to know yourself. Five years ago I decided to challenge all my corny stereotypes about Buddhism and learn how to meditate. It was a random decision that has helped me discover my place in life, and I believe you might be needing some of the same guidance. You’ve got nothing to loose by trying it, cuz I’m guessing you’ve tried most everything else.
The inner peace that comes from knowing who you really are will flood your life with good things. No one else can save you right now my friend, make the move and be happy.
David
Glad you started a blog..I started mine about a year ago and have very similar themes running (depression, regrets, self doubt). I think by writing you will unleash some of that negativity and hopefully move on.
I concur with the above posters that YOU need to want to get out of porn. Dont do it for a boyfriend because you may come to start blaming him for your decisions if things dont work out. You shouldnt be given an ultimatum either, you are right, he knew what he was in for when you started your relationship
You seem to like music and have a knack for it - why not pursue that? You can work when you want and not really have to take orders from anyone. You would also be doing something you like.
Finally, you are worth a lot more then just getting fucked in the ass. Obviously your boyfriend loves you for more then that. A good piece of ass gets old after a while if there isnt something more behind it. I have never seen one of your movies. I know you from myspace and such. I find you to be a breath of fresh air from the "normal" porn stars. You have a unique life to say the least, use it to your advantage. Write - I would buy that shit :)
Erik, I had a couple other thoughts: how hard would it be for you to go into modeling? Like, not nude, not erotic. For like clothes and stuff? Probably not hard, and I bet it would pay enough to help you til you can get another job that you can really support yourself with.
I don't know how well you knew Pete Ross when he did porn, but I think he kind of went through the same thing -- a sort of depression over it, loss of self. He's doing pretty well now (well, minus the disaster of his apartment...) If you can get in touch with him, he might be able to help you out.
I gotta agree with David on the whole "haunting" thing. Couldn't get this out of my head...and I'd already replied once.
Wow ... I just found out about this blog ... and Wow at what I read ...
I guess we all forget that people in the media are just regular folks who happen to be in the media ...
I am so sorry your relationship took such a turn for the worst ... It's so sad to hear that you are in such a depressed state of mind ...
I've had a messy break up ... They aren't fun ... But you got to think a bit more positively ... I know it's hard to do that in the difficult times ... but you can't allow yourself to get into such a bad state of mind ...
Take some time away and clear your head ... Everything is better when you can focus ...
Be safe ... and be blessed ...
~Papi Chulo~
http://papiinmiamifl.typepad.com/
i just want to hug you.
Seems to me that you probably have some options available to you that you're not aware of.
Don't sell yourself short - there have got to be TONS of things someone with your visibility can become involved in that don't necessarily have to do with "performing"
Lots of us are guilty of selling ourselves short - I just KNOW there are things you could do.
Email me if you want I'll give you some ideas.
Take care
-Ryan
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