I have been avoiding my old life so long that writing this right now is giving me anxiety. Flashbacks of a life once lost.
Well, again, the only reason i'm here is cuz i feel alone and yeah i'm pretty damn upset, depressed, alone, whatever. Things have been pretty good. Yes i still have my bipoloar freak outs every now and again but i have been working through them and even more impressive, i have been surpressing the more trivial episodes. But tonight, i wanted to run away...
Now as much as i want to go into details, i have choosen to try and be as vague as possible, just to avoid pleasing the certain people that thrive on others peoples misery... Anyways, the best i can do is just name this blog "The Replacement". It is the name to the way i feel and the life i refuse to lead.
I guess it just hurts when i have done the best at starting a new life and having a whole new frame of mind only to worry if the people around me are the same as they were before me or are they on a new page like i am. I guess i have a hard time trying to pretend i am, was, and have only been the best part in someones life. I think i like to pretend that when i meet someone that they never had a life before the second they meet me. I'm selfish, i know. I validate that thought as i sit here alone. But aren't you allowed to be selfish when your life seems as lonely as this... hmmmm.
Well, i don't think i'm selfish, i only think in the terms of "US" now. And yeah i'm selfish for us. I only see one person now and nothing else has exsisted, i feel like i dont have a past, i do, but i have done the best at forgeting every second of it. And i find it hard to feel that in return. I feel like a punchingbag alot of the time. I guess i'm just a replacement.
nobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticenobodywillnoticeno
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Biggest Slut Award?
Yeah well... not exactly any of the 7 awards i was hoping for, and seriously this was an award that might have fit me a couple years ago but not now, i guess my change in lifestyle hasn't made anyone believers just yet and i guess my shitty attitude toward the industry hasn't gained me any new fans or made me worthy of wasting real awards on, shit i didn't even win best porn star blog...i blame myself.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Holy Shit, a new blog....
Yeah well, believe it or not i been pretty happy. My complaining has been fairly minimal and as i'm preparing myself to move my life in a completely different direction, i'm actually optimistic. This frame of mind seems kinda misplaced , since i can barely sleep lately due to the worse anxiety and panic attacks i have ever experienced and since watching the movie Zeitgeist, it has made me feel like life is absolutely worthless, but fuck it, i'm just gonna do this life one day at a time.
Anyways, that was a mouthful so i will explain,
I have said it alot and think its about time to move my ass out of the city,i have over analyzed the downsides from all angles and i'm still prepared to just throw myself out there and hope for the best. I have begun to disconnect from the terrible world i created for myself. Its kinda weird at times but honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted, i feel cleansed. I quit David Barton, NYC's super gay night club of a gym. My Myspace is gone, my facebook, that twitter thing i had for all a couple days, all gone. This is all i'm gonna give you people, and everything else is going to my bf. You know, as young as he is, he has given me some great advice and the majority of what i'm saying has been influenced by him but ultimately i have made the choices on my own... i'm tired of just giving myself away on all these sights. I'm tired of people invading my life through different platforms that i allow.
Aren't we most intrigued about people who dont give it all away?
Now every asshole on the planet thinks its cool to twitter and tell you every move they make down to the last time they took a shit, well fuck that. It's not cool. Jesus , on that thing you can learn to hate someone without ever meeting them. Its like an annoying roomate who feels they need to tell you everything they do like, "i'm going to the gym, i'm gonna take a shower, i'm gonna get something to eat" until you can only think to yourself, "please stop talking unless its to tell me your gonna drop dead." I don't need another outlet to let people judge me either, like this isnt enough. Just like the song says, this blog has stripped me down to the bone.
Moving on...
My Anxiety...jesus i have no clue whats going on, i think its my body finally telling me "i have had enough, your killing me". During the day its easy to distract, but at night when i'm about to go to bed, i start to freak out. I feel like i'm not breathing, and if its not that, i keep thinking i'm gonna die in my sleep. Then i take pills, and then i start freaking out more, thinking they are what is keeping me awake. Almost everynight i pace my apartment, i stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, and i watch the sunrise. I'm not sure when i fall asleep, but i tend to wake up around 2 each afternoon. Its pathetic. I hope this goes away soon.
Zeitgeist: Holy shit is all i can say. This movie finally makes it all make sense.
Yeah well, believe it or not i been pretty happy. My complaining has been fairly minimal and as i'm preparing myself to move my life in a completely different direction, i'm actually optimistic. This frame of mind seems kinda misplaced , since i can barely sleep lately due to the worse anxiety and panic attacks i have ever experienced and since watching the movie Zeitgeist, it has made me feel like life is absolutely worthless, but fuck it, i'm just gonna do this life one day at a time.
Anyways, that was a mouthful so i will explain,
I have said it alot and think its about time to move my ass out of the city,i have over analyzed the downsides from all angles and i'm still prepared to just throw myself out there and hope for the best. I have begun to disconnect from the terrible world i created for myself. Its kinda weird at times but honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted, i feel cleansed. I quit David Barton, NYC's super gay night club of a gym. My Myspace is gone, my facebook, that twitter thing i had for all a couple days, all gone. This is all i'm gonna give you people, and everything else is going to my bf. You know, as young as he is, he has given me some great advice and the majority of what i'm saying has been influenced by him but ultimately i have made the choices on my own... i'm tired of just giving myself away on all these sights. I'm tired of people invading my life through different platforms that i allow.
Aren't we most intrigued about people who dont give it all away?
Now every asshole on the planet thinks its cool to twitter and tell you every move they make down to the last time they took a shit, well fuck that. It's not cool. Jesus , on that thing you can learn to hate someone without ever meeting them. Its like an annoying roomate who feels they need to tell you everything they do like, "i'm going to the gym, i'm gonna take a shower, i'm gonna get something to eat" until you can only think to yourself, "please stop talking unless its to tell me your gonna drop dead." I don't need another outlet to let people judge me either, like this isnt enough. Just like the song says, this blog has stripped me down to the bone.
Moving on...
My Anxiety...jesus i have no clue whats going on, i think its my body finally telling me "i have had enough, your killing me". During the day its easy to distract, but at night when i'm about to go to bed, i start to freak out. I feel like i'm not breathing, and if its not that, i keep thinking i'm gonna die in my sleep. Then i take pills, and then i start freaking out more, thinking they are what is keeping me awake. Almost everynight i pace my apartment, i stare at myself in the mirror in my bathroom, and i watch the sunrise. I'm not sure when i fall asleep, but i tend to wake up around 2 each afternoon. Its pathetic. I hope this goes away soon.
Zeitgeist: Holy shit is all i can say. This movie finally makes it all make sense.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
And I Am Awake...
Another Blog...
This one comes from Prague, but i'll will get into that later...
So i been spending all my free time in Staten Island. While there, i take everything is my life that can somehow cause me drama, and i put it in my personal back seat. no, not even in the beatseat, i basically duct tape it and leave it for dead in the trunk. My computer (myspace aol, facebook, this blog), my phone, my career, is basically forgotten and i spend all my time on what matters to me most at this point in my life and thats building my relationship with my Bf.
I have talked all this shit about Staten Island but, it funny, this is the place where i have found alot of personal space and peace. Granted i think that most of this is due to the fact that most the people on Staten Island are such materialisc slobs that a gay porn star can go easily unnoticed. Yet if i drove a nice car, was wearing a fresh new pair of 300 dollar jeans or had some sort of new gucci ascessory, i would have most the people around me's undivided attention.
But trust me, this is not me complaining. As much as i detest materialism, i enjoy just being James alot more. This place has become a great escape, this place has let me relax.
And beyond my overdue need for sense of self, the time here has been more valueable than just starting to feel like myself again, but its been allowing me to continue building a relationship that seems to get more solid as each days passes. Of course there has been plenty of bumps in the road, some more serious than others, and some completely stupid and rediculous, yet we have endured them all and realized how much we honestly mean to one another. Its began to feel like a light that will never dim and a love that will never die. The weird part is i never thought i would ever be so head over heels in love with anyone ever again, infact, i dont think i have ever felt this way about anyone in my past. I have always given up so easy and for some reason, i can't let this one go, i dont think i'll ever want to. I have began picturing a healthy life, starting a family and growing old together... this is so unfamilar... just letting someone completely in... letting my selfish ways become a thing of the past, i dont know. It doesn't feel like me but its alright and it feel like for once its gonna be alright.
I'm trying to stop myself right now, from writing... "i could be wrong" , i really dont want to, but i could be. It wouldnt be the first time i see nothing but good things ahead of us as a couple and they just see the relationship as quicksand at the end of a rainbow. Like always, thats bvasically always my fault, but this time around, i'm stepping away from the edge, turning around and relying on him, for arms i can fall into. I actually trust in the fact that he is gonna be there for me and for once in my life i'm gonna make damn sure i am there for him.
The funny thing about the relationship, is that it really took awhile for me to take him seriously, i didnt expect much, i didnt think i would learn anything, i wasn't sure it would go anywhere... i was completely wrong. I'm not sure if he even does it intensionally, or maybe it just the way he is but he without even trying is making me into a better person.
If he ends up leaving me, i'lltake more from our short relationship than he'll ever know.
(Sorry about the spelling my spell check wasnt working)
This one comes from Prague, but i'll will get into that later...
So i been spending all my free time in Staten Island. While there, i take everything is my life that can somehow cause me drama, and i put it in my personal back seat. no, not even in the beatseat, i basically duct tape it and leave it for dead in the trunk. My computer (myspace aol, facebook, this blog), my phone, my career, is basically forgotten and i spend all my time on what matters to me most at this point in my life and thats building my relationship with my Bf.
I have talked all this shit about Staten Island but, it funny, this is the place where i have found alot of personal space and peace. Granted i think that most of this is due to the fact that most the people on Staten Island are such materialisc slobs that a gay porn star can go easily unnoticed. Yet if i drove a nice car, was wearing a fresh new pair of 300 dollar jeans or had some sort of new gucci ascessory, i would have most the people around me's undivided attention.
But trust me, this is not me complaining. As much as i detest materialism, i enjoy just being James alot more. This place has become a great escape, this place has let me relax.
And beyond my overdue need for sense of self, the time here has been more valueable than just starting to feel like myself again, but its been allowing me to continue building a relationship that seems to get more solid as each days passes. Of course there has been plenty of bumps in the road, some more serious than others, and some completely stupid and rediculous, yet we have endured them all and realized how much we honestly mean to one another. Its began to feel like a light that will never dim and a love that will never die. The weird part is i never thought i would ever be so head over heels in love with anyone ever again, infact, i dont think i have ever felt this way about anyone in my past. I have always given up so easy and for some reason, i can't let this one go, i dont think i'll ever want to. I have began picturing a healthy life, starting a family and growing old together... this is so unfamilar... just letting someone completely in... letting my selfish ways become a thing of the past, i dont know. It doesn't feel like me but its alright and it feel like for once its gonna be alright.
I'm trying to stop myself right now, from writing... "i could be wrong" , i really dont want to, but i could be. It wouldnt be the first time i see nothing but good things ahead of us as a couple and they just see the relationship as quicksand at the end of a rainbow. Like always, thats bvasically always my fault, but this time around, i'm stepping away from the edge, turning around and relying on him, for arms i can fall into. I actually trust in the fact that he is gonna be there for me and for once in my life i'm gonna make damn sure i am there for him.
The funny thing about the relationship, is that it really took awhile for me to take him seriously, i didnt expect much, i didnt think i would learn anything, i wasn't sure it would go anywhere... i was completely wrong. I'm not sure if he even does it intensionally, or maybe it just the way he is but he without even trying is making me into a better person.
If he ends up leaving me, i'lltake more from our short relationship than he'll ever know.
(Sorry about the spelling my spell check wasnt working)
Monday, February 16, 2009
"What A Shame" (first part)
Oh god, where do i begin...
Well, i'm 27 now. Nothing spectacular about it. Its honestly kinda funny, I keep saying to myself, "how the fuck did i get here?". Its been so long, i feel like i have lived so my lives by now. I feel old. I think i'm starting to look old. This hard life i forced my body to endure is starting to show. I get a nosebleed almost everyday, my heartburn feels like i'm constantly being stabbed in the chest, my knees ache, my body aches. Painkillers are crutch in my life and just not for recreational use.
Pathetically i have even considered botox and all this other bullshit to help my battle with aging. If that isn't a new low for me... has vh-1 and this self absorbed society finally gotten to me to? If steroids and the couple hundred pills i pop a day weren't enough, what else can i do look pretty just alittle while longer? Who cares if my liver in struggling to work, who cares if it feels like i'm being punched in my kidneys all day long...honestly who cares. You know, turning 27 i sit there and say myself "only 3 years left, i better make them good". Oh... i have given myself and expiration date, kinda like a carton of milk. You can't expect things to last forever, and with the way things are going, 30, i'm just gonna call it quits. That's if i even make it to 30. If things get better then i might change my mind but, that is what is engraved in my brain at the moment.
I just don't have passion for this life anymore. i Have fucked things up so beyond repair that i can never feel normal again. I try. I honestly do, but there is always someone there to get my head that drops me down a level regardless if i'm doing nothing wrong.
Two great examples.
The other night, i went to this half a dyke-fest trash bar with my bf. I honestly try to blend in as much as possible and i really don't make a show of myself, cuz in all reality, its nice to not be noticed at this point, but regardless it never works, anyways on the way out, i wait for my bf to smoke a cigarette and he over hears a conversation from this group of faggots saying how hot he is, but what a shame that someone like him is with a porn star. It kept repeating in my head. "what a shame, what a shame, what a shame". I started to believe it. It is a shame, the label i give my bf for being with me. The shame i bring on my family, and anyone else around me. The shame i have made of myself. It still make me sick just thinking about it.
the other.
My friend said he was talking to this guy online. They had tryed to set up acouple dates or whatever and there plans fell through. Eventually they kinda stopped talking and the kid began going nuts on my friend. He started trash talking my friend and he even went to the extent to say, "I see your best friend is Erik Rhodes..." and began to trash my friend for being friends with me. Like guilty by association now if your even friends with a porn star.
Where do i get a break?
I have even considered just changing myself all together. Get permanent eye color change, dye my hair, lose weight and become someone else all together.
I'm not done with this blog, i just need to collect myself and walk away from this for a min.
Well, i'm 27 now. Nothing spectacular about it. Its honestly kinda funny, I keep saying to myself, "how the fuck did i get here?". Its been so long, i feel like i have lived so my lives by now. I feel old. I think i'm starting to look old. This hard life i forced my body to endure is starting to show. I get a nosebleed almost everyday, my heartburn feels like i'm constantly being stabbed in the chest, my knees ache, my body aches. Painkillers are crutch in my life and just not for recreational use.
Pathetically i have even considered botox and all this other bullshit to help my battle with aging. If that isn't a new low for me... has vh-1 and this self absorbed society finally gotten to me to? If steroids and the couple hundred pills i pop a day weren't enough, what else can i do look pretty just alittle while longer? Who cares if my liver in struggling to work, who cares if it feels like i'm being punched in my kidneys all day long...honestly who cares. You know, turning 27 i sit there and say myself "only 3 years left, i better make them good". Oh... i have given myself and expiration date, kinda like a carton of milk. You can't expect things to last forever, and with the way things are going, 30, i'm just gonna call it quits. That's if i even make it to 30. If things get better then i might change my mind but, that is what is engraved in my brain at the moment.
I just don't have passion for this life anymore. i Have fucked things up so beyond repair that i can never feel normal again. I try. I honestly do, but there is always someone there to get my head that drops me down a level regardless if i'm doing nothing wrong.
Two great examples.
The other night, i went to this half a dyke-fest trash bar with my bf. I honestly try to blend in as much as possible and i really don't make a show of myself, cuz in all reality, its nice to not be noticed at this point, but regardless it never works, anyways on the way out, i wait for my bf to smoke a cigarette and he over hears a conversation from this group of faggots saying how hot he is, but what a shame that someone like him is with a porn star. It kept repeating in my head. "what a shame, what a shame, what a shame". I started to believe it. It is a shame, the label i give my bf for being with me. The shame i bring on my family, and anyone else around me. The shame i have made of myself. It still make me sick just thinking about it.
the other.
My friend said he was talking to this guy online. They had tryed to set up acouple dates or whatever and there plans fell through. Eventually they kinda stopped talking and the kid began going nuts on my friend. He started trash talking my friend and he even went to the extent to say, "I see your best friend is Erik Rhodes..." and began to trash my friend for being friends with me. Like guilty by association now if your even friends with a porn star.
Where do i get a break?
I have even considered just changing myself all together. Get permanent eye color change, dye my hair, lose weight and become someone else all together.
I'm not done with this blog, i just need to collect myself and walk away from this for a min.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Disassociative
I've been wanting to write a blog for a couple days now, but i have had some much shit swimming through my head that i can't exactly focus myself.
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.
But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.
funny thought...
My up's and downs have been extreme lately and have consisted of mainly, me screaming at my boyfriend since I'm having a hard time understanding him and then when I'm not looking to fight about something stupid, me wanting to cry about how worthless i feel and how much i don't feel loved by anyone. There hasn't been much in between lately, well, i take that back, the times i am somewhat content seems very short lived before I'm freaking out about the next thing. I keep telling myself to "just let the simple things go, normal people don't obsess like this and the ones that do are medicated", which has me looking to restart taking some sort of anti-depressant, anti- anxiety, shit maybe even some bi-polar medication. I'm just fed up feeling like this. I'm starting to think if i just make myself into a zombie and not care about anything, it will be alot easier than being so stressed out over bullshit.
But that is gonna be my last attempt, and if nothing changes, I'm gonna leave NYC and move my ass into the sun. I mean this city has been sucking the life out of me, for sometime, but it been manageable, now with this new relationship, its once again become unbearable. Then i still live in the same building with my ex' to have his tricks by-accidentally come knocking at my door looking for him and whatever sex party he is throwing, its like i have had enough. I'm tired of this drama filled city. Yeah i know its the same almost everywhere, faggots = drama, i understand that, but at least it will be like starting fresh. I can leave NYC and leave all my baggage and hopefully start new where people, yeah i guess will still see me a trashy porn star, but at least i can build a reputation fighting against the stereotypes. I lost the battle here in NYC, maybe it can be different somewhere else, maybe i can be happy.
funny thought...
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