How Alive? 2 Alive...

So I am finally an award winning porn star.


Well it was The Grabby Awards in Chicago last night and i finally won, not one, but two awards. I was shocked. I won Best Versatile Performer and Best Actor.
The Best Vers. Performer, i can understand, cause i can give it as well as i can take it, so kudos to me for that one, cause my competition was pretty strong. And to anyone that was there and took offence my speech...it was a joke, i don't think I'm better than anyone, hence me being so shocked.
As far as Best Actor... well i just think its silly. I am the worse actor EVER!. I am the definition of bad porn acting. Although, i have yet to see Ivy League (the movie i was nominated for, i think...) maybe, its better than my other stuff? Maybe the people who choose winners are just big fans of bad acting like, you know how gays love the movie "Showgirls". Well same difference here. Who knows, possible they watched the movie on LSD, shrooms or some other mind altering drugs.
Oh Well,Fuck it, I'll take it with pride. Cause shit, who knows when I'm going to get another.
Thanks again to much to Stacey, Mark and all of Gay Chicago!

Anyways, I'm home already and I'm happy to be. I could only take playing that happy porn star bit for so long. I mean, yes i was happy to win, but Jesus, nonstop pictures and attention, its just not me. After the awards I didn't even go out and celebrate. Crazy Right? I went back to my hotel room after the awards to change and it was like i was scared to go back out. I sat on my bed trying to reason why i needed to go back out, but i just couldn't. I didn't wanna do drugs, i didn't want to have sex and i, sure as fuck didn't wanna see anymore porn stars. Not exactly how i planned it in my head but stranger things have happened.

Watching Jerry Springer and the rain outside.

Are you listening? plus Q&A

They are not even listening...

(night)
I can sit here and try to explain myself to someone who seems so interested in knowing me and i feel like I must be speaking a different language. I have an ego. I am Erik Rhodes. I'm everyone else....Apparently your not even listening. I'm left holding my head like I'm insane. Maybe i can't even hear myself talking. Why can i not get through to anyone?
Its funny, i tried having conversations with people including Danny recently where, i can be right in the middle of telling a story or talking about my day, and i get cut off before i can even finish or even explain the validity of what I'm talking about. Kinda like they are not listening or they letting me know that they really don't care what I'm saying..... I don't ask, i just shut up and pretend i haven't said anything.... It seems to be happening more and more often and I'm not sure what it is. All i do know is that whatever I'm saying is obviously not important.. well at least when the words are coming out of my mouth, they just don't seem to hold any water.
Here people listen... well i thought they did.
A man stopped me on the street the other day to tell me that he was a reader of my blog. I thanked him and he went on to say "Your blog is so cool, YOU, are so cool". My first thought was "what a cool True Romance like reference", and then i thought... "cool? he is not even listening"
That's i all i want... just for someone to listen.
Maybe that's why i don't have many friends.. cause no one wants to listen. I curse to much, i complain to much, i don't have anything good to talk about. But maybe if you listened alittle harder you would see that there is so much more going on.
When no one listens are you really alive?
Goddamn it.

(morning)
A reader named Brian asked a bunch of questions regarding escorting. At first i thought he was a rude asshole and i still kinda do, but at the same time i have had so many crazy experiences, people seem to get a kick out of the stories, so I'll pretend to be nice....

First, what was the longest duration of time you have ever spent with a client? How much did you charge for that time?
Its always hard to be friends with a complete stranger for very long. So unless i get a good vibe from the person or they just let me do my own thing, i try not to stay long. I think longest i stayed with someone was a week in Miami. Since these situations can sometimes be terribly uncomfortable you better believe that i charge out the ass. I'm not sure how much i took home from that experience but i was able to pay my New York city rent for about 3 months from it.LOL.

2. What is the strangest request a client has asked of you to do to him or them etc. Did you charge extra?
What i have come to learn from being an escort is that Men can be fucking crazy! I have seen some of the weirdest fetishes. But i do not judge, Why? cuz I'm only 26, who knows what I'm gonna be into when I'm 40 something and wanna get off, ya know.
But as far the strangest request goes, of course it would be the grossest. I shit in a guys mouth. Sure it was disgusting and i needed to be drunk in order to do it. But just figure... i got paid to do something that would happen naturally anyways. I was in and out of there, 400 buck richer and i didn't even have to stick around while he ate it. Easy work if you ask me.

3. Do clients tip beyond regular payment? If so what is the biggest tip you have ever received (and don't say the tip that was attached to a 12 inch beer can thick cock LOL)
Yes some tip beyond the normal pay rate which i always find nice. Some have even tipped me in the thousands. Which is always nice to find out as you count your money in the cab ride home. Rule of thumb: Unless you are a trashy street walker or your client is high, you never count your money in front of them. Its rude and it always make the experience more personal for them.
As for a client with a huge cock... your goddamn right, that is a great tip for me. Getting paid to get pounded out by a huge dick never seems like work. It feels like stealing.

4. What has been the most extreme/weird thing you have allowed a client to do to YOU? What you charge them for it or were you actually into the request and kept your price point the same?
About 10 experiences instantly come to mind. I guess I'll talk about a few.
First would be a guy that was into spanking me. About 15 mins into it my ass was raw and i was starting to get pissed. I asked the guy to stop and we could do whatever else he wanted, just no more spanking. He agreed. Then spanked me again, He would say he was sorry... then do it again and again. I finally told him, "listen spank me again, I'm going to punch you in the face" he said okay, and spanked me again. I st oped put my cloths on and said i was done. He paid me. I walked out of there feeling worthless. This was the first time that escorting ever made me feel like shit. I have not worked for a person into spanking since.

The second would have to be this S/M scene. It was my first time meeting this guy and he asked if he could tie me up. Since I'm a bigger guy i figured, "yah, I'm sure i can get out of whatever this guy does to me anyways so, sure tie me up" Well by the time he was done with all his intricate knots i couldn't move. Then he put a black mask over my head and pushed me on the bed. It was the first time i thought i would be helpless if this guy wanted to kill me. But he didn't instead he put and electrode around my balls and one up my ass and began to shock the fuck out of me. I actually kinda liked it but couldn't get off cuz i thought that this was just foreplay before he butchers me. It was funny afterward as he untied me, he admitted that he had played beach volleyball with me on Fire Island and that the whole time he played that this was what he was fantasy going on in his head. I hold him i didn't remember him. i got paid and left.

The third, every time i tell someone about it, they ask if it was recorded. I was hired to be the white bottom of an 9 black guy gang bang. The only requirement was 9 inches or better. So there was 10, 11, 12 and me, high, ass up in the center of a freshly made up king size bed at the Waldorf Astoria. I got there at about 8pm and left at 10 the next morning when my ass had swoll itself shut. I got home and crawled into bed with my bf and wanted to die. But i was 5 grand richer.

5. Do you have a price point system where you're spending time with someone but in that time if they want something off the beaten path ie . water sports etc. Do you up the price or its all part of the time spent?
No price points. We come up with an hourly rate in case you go over that hour so you know after the hour you start to pay more. But if you cum in 15 mins... you pay the hour rate. As far as WS goes, i have made arrangements base on guys just coming over my place to drink my piss and leave. That's easy, but my piss still run about 250 bucks. So drink up!!!

6. Ever get flown out somewhere to meet a client? Where is the farthest place you've been?
Thanks to escorting i have been tons of place i never thought i would go. Flown on private jets and all that good shit. But Germany has been the farthest so far

7. Naturally I know you can't say names (would be awesome if you did though) but have you ever been hired by any famous celebrities and were they complete freaks! *note, politicians don't count cause they are all closet cases... the republicans anyway.
Yes, i even have cum in a few. But no, the names are in the vault. But yeah i think I've done more politicians than anything. The Republicans are the weirdest.

8. And lastly , you have mentioned before how you got a "new lease on life" after you found out you were HIV negative and mentioned that you did some extreme things that could have gotten you in trouble back when you "didn't give a shit"
How many different guys dropped loads in your ass over a 48 hour period of time?
Yeah i think we have all had our Dawson 40 load weekends fantasy, I'm know i have. Shit where do you think my dog got his name. But i don't know the answer to that question. I know i was in some bad situations where i was high and i just don't know. But i been tested since basically everything on this little Q and A and I'm clean as a whistle. Somehow. That why my escorting has basically slowed down to a crawl, it has to be worth it now.

Erikisgonnaburninhellmegamix #1

So i have somethings coming up...


I will be in Chicago for the Grabby's which i think is on the 24th. For you that don't know what the Grabby' are it is a gay porn award ceremony. I'm not sure how many Garbby's I have been up for in the past, all I do know is that i've lost everytime. As far as both award cemeomonies go, i'm a big fat goose egg and nine. Its actually funny, everytime i go to one of these things, i get swept away in what everyone else says, "oh your a shoe in, to win". I don't believe it but kinda gets stuck in my head, and then when the results are read, and i lose, I get fucking pissed, like what is wrong with me. Its silly actually... did i not fuck hard enough? did i not cum enough? do i not get vocal enough when i'm getting pounded out? am i not a good enough performer.
Yes, porn has me worn out, but just like anything you do in life you kinda want whatever you do to be the best. Its no different here. (i can see all the post now about me complaining about this... please save it).
Its even got to the point where i have begun to rationalize the whole situation differently to make myself feel better. LOL. I say, Well its okay to lose. Why? Becasue all the guys that have won early in there career have already hit there high note, and where do you go from there... down. So when the next porn awards rolls around and your not even nominated at least i can sitt there and say that i have steadily increased my amount of nomination, i have just failed to hit my high note yet. And that is fine by me.
Although i do think this will be my year. During the last Awards ( The Gayvn's) I schmoozed with the right people in between all the coke and G I did. I do think i managed to get the right people on my side. Yes, its all politics here in porn also. You gotta suck the right dicks before you get yourself any awards. (JK)
But i guess we will see. Like the last awards, i'm not planning on winning anything, i'm just need to tell myself, i'm going to have a good time and if i win something that will just be a plus.


From Chicago i will be going to Boston for a Manhunt Event. The one that coninsides with those pics that i took not long ago with Joe O. that i had posted on here. I'm not sure what this event will consist of cuz i know i'm not dancing. I will not be 2-stepping, or doing the fucking muscle shuffle or anything like that. So any readers from Boston that just wanna come look at me stand around getting fucked up. Please come by, LOL. I will not dissapoint.

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As far as where i am in life...


I don't know where the fuck i am. Alot of the time I feel like i'm a stanger living in this body. I have been staying in and sticking to myself again. And as much as readers are going to hate this, but i have been hanging out with my ex again. He has been going through some rough times right now and much as you would think that i would be excited over thought of him struggling, i feel like i'm right there with him. I can't help it. My heart just won't dissconnect that easily. Do i think we should be giving it another go at our realtionship again?... right now, No. But am i going to be there for him anyway i can, so he doesnt have to struggle. Yeah, (until my fucking heart gives out).
But besides that, i'm not sure what has been wrong with me. My sex drive has been shit and my social aniexty has been at an all time high. The last time 2 times i tried to go to the movies i could do i cuz i just couldnt bare to be around people and then this weekend i forced myself to go see IronMan. I was kinda happy becasue i sat at the end of the isle, but walking in there i kinda felt like i was going to break out in Hives. (oh and yes, Terrence Howards charater in Ironman is named James Rhodes, weird). I wonder what the Grabbys are gonna be like. I just might freak out.

Guilt Trip

down and up, down and up, down...


So without trying to hard i think i destroyed another relationship/friendship/just someone who made me smile and was great to cuddle with,ship. Of course, it being work related. I think its hard for someone to understand, since i have alot of free time, that when work comes up, unfortunately, i need to work regardless of plans and everything else. Most of the time they don't understand and i get the guilt trip. Those good ol' goddamn guilt trips. Like I'm some soulless monster that doesn't feel bad to enough to begin with. Nothing like laying it on thick so i can feel bad the whole time I'm working, ya know, suck all the fucking fun out of something i don't like doing in the first place. To top it all of with a ruined relationship when i get home.
But, to be honest I'm not even sure if its ruined, at the same time its to fresh to want to even argue. So instead, i just shut down. Since the day in question, i have yet to receive a text or a phone call, and I'm way to far of a pussy to make that leap, to be 100 percent honest, I'm just afraid of getting the guilt trip. Shit, my parent wonder why i never pick up their phone calls. Its just guilt trip after guilt trip. I've had enough.

That's one of the reason why being single has been so good to me so far. No one to bitch at me. Instead of bitching i just i have come across this new and pretty pathetic trend of men, (and just not gross ones) throwing themselves at me by offering themselves up to just basically service me however i want.
I'm confused by however. The first thought that comes into my head is "I wonder if this dude will shave my back?" Every time i ask my brother to do it, he bitchs the whole way thru, so i know its not a fun job and surely sounds like service to me.
Anyways, i can't be more turned off by this. However, if i am extremely horny and i lose my morals, this is the type of person i will undoubtedly treat like shit. Pump and dump their face and not even let them shower before i ask them to leave. So thanks for the offers dudes, but no thanks.
Yes, i do porn, but the easiest way to my heart and to get me in the sack is thru some good Italian food and a movie. It normally works, unless the food is bad and the movie sucks. Well... then you'll just be in for a night of me bitching. LOL.

So a bunch of people have been asked me how the Atmosphere concert was. Well to me it was like having a great soundtrack and an amazing performance while sitting in a pit of hell.
While i stood around for the 2 and a half hours while the worse DJ on the planet force fed us exactly why today's commercial hip hop is such garbage, i got to cruise the crowd and the insanely hot wanna be white gangsters that came to see atmosphere perform. In my head i hoped for one of them to come up to me and say "omg I know who you are". I didn't happen. Apparently as hot as they were, this was not my crowd. LOL. I kinda felt like that old perverted fag that parents warn their children about, cuz i couldn't help wanting to ass rape a hot drunk gangster in the bathroom. That also didn't happen. After the awful DJ ended his set, me and my friend went and got food assuming atmosphere wasn't coming on for awhile. When we got back the opening act, Abstract Rude got on stage. I heard about him, but never gave him the time, so i was happy to listen...to be honest anything was better than that fucking DJ at this point. Abstract Rude however being better than the DJ, was a disappointment. The beats were standard and his rhymes lacked creativity with the typical raps about weed and why he is better than then the next guy. Then about a half hour in, this amazing beat comes on, which has me totally surprised. Okay Abstract Rude's rhymes weren't gonna get any better but this beat was dope. I thought, this had to be the high point... Atmosphere has to be coming up next. "Thanks Abstract, for saving us from that DJ and giving us one decent song, NOW GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE SO WE CAM ENJOY SOME TRUE TALENT", i thought. But no. Every high point has to come back a low point right?, well... in my world it does. So Abstract Rude tortured us after his only good song with about 3 or 4 more painful tracks filled with every rap cliche known to man. After that and me desperately holding myself back from starting to drink, and not just to drink but drinking to get fucking shit face drunk. Atmosphere finally made it on stage with a full band in tow.
Normally i want my rap to the rap I'm used to. A bunch broke guys making beat and stealing amazing samples from a computer and turntable, That's it. The whole live band thing, wanna-be Roots like bullshit? Not really my thing. I wasn't sure whether i was gonna like this.
Was i ever wrong. I'm not sure if i was just hypnotised by Slug's rapping but all the beats sounded the same and as an added bonus instead of using the samples _like i normally like)they had a female vocalist there to do all the samples Live and She fucking rocked. I could go track by track, but i will not bore you guys. But he did play a great combination of my old favorites and new material, either way i was rapping along to every song and probley looked like an old juice head who is trying to relive his youth but fuck it, i didn't care. Plus i took position right behind probely the hottest wanna be gangster in the whole crowd and just enjoyed myself. Ultimately it was a great fucking show. All the garbage in the beginning was worth the wait.
Oh yeah. Of course the next day i finally got a couple messages on my myspace from kids who were at the show but were with there friends and couldn't say anything to me since they were closeted. I knew there had to be some.(to bad it wasn't the hot one i stood behind, damn James you cant have them all)

Checking in

Just checking in...


So my life has been pretty boring lately. Its all just same shit new day. But i'm happy. I haven't even had my typical ups and downs and crazy mood swings. I've just been pretty mellow. No self abusive behavior. No drugs. Just James, the gym and alot of bad TV.
I think i've finally come to terms with being single and not needing someone else in my life just to get by. Granted i have met someone special, but i refuse to force anything. Just take it at all face value to avoid jealousies and all that other bullshit i dont need in my life. The best comment i've heard lately is "The only person that will never leave you is you" and that what i'm gonna live by. I need to be happy with who i am before i can be happy with someone else. But to be honest, i am pretty content with who i'm becoming.
A am thrilled that as each day goes by that the end of my porn career creeps closer. I'm questioning what is going to come next but i'm not scared. I'm actually pretty excited. The thought of having a real, steady life, is sounding better and better. I'm gonna accept it with open arms. I'm not impressed with the work that i have done so far, i'm sure in time i will be.

I guess thats all for now. Sorry i been so boring.

Love, Life, Stress and Set Backs.

No matter where i stood, i still manage to stand.

I know i'm annoying. I know that i have more ups and downs than a see-saw. Lets just say that i have the worse case of Man-PMS known to man. But i'm fucking happy. The majority of it due to the guy that i have been seeing.
He single handedly has had my face hurting from all the smiling i have been doing. Its silly puppy love, i know, but it feels fucking good. I mean, you know maybe its to early to tell if we are completely compatiable, but the way he looks at me like he couldn't be happier to be with me is enough to have me completely hooked.
I'm not sure where this is going or if i'm even ready for another relationship just yet, cuz lets face it, i'm alot to deal with, but this is what i should be doing, taking things slow, enjoying life, having good people around me.
Hey maybe he will even distarct me enough this weekend from getting totally fucked up. I haven't tested those waters yet. I don't know if i wanna fuck up something i been enjoying so much by getting high. I guess well see how deep the hooks are set in on friday. I can actually hear the GHB in my fridge screaming to drink me. LOL. Kidding, maybe.

So on an even better note, I will be seeing the Hip Hop Group Atmosphere on sunday and i'm so fucking excited. The last time i was supposed to see them i ended up getting into a fight before the show and breaking some dudes face, spending some time in jail and fighting the court over 6 month stint behind bars.
What seemed like an eternity on probation and thousands and thousands of dollars later they are back into town and i completely intend on seeing them this time. I'll save the fighting for after the show. Motherfuckers better bring their retard helmets!